The most toxic environment for a boy growing up is a single mother household. I can tell readers from personal experience that boys don’t get all their needs met in a single parent household. Many of the lessons they learn in that hostile territory growing up make them into lost, confused men with no defined sense of identity.
How does a single mother destroy her son? Let me count the ways:
Speaking negatively about their father. The most damaging thing a mother can do is speak badly about a child’s father in front of them. These negative statements about the child’s father are the equivalent of hitting that child with a fist in the jaw.
One half of that child is the father and when he hears his mother saying negative things about him he usually the boy grows up doubting himself. They think that there’s something wrong with them. That they need to change a part of themselves to get approval of his angry mother.
It’s these identity issues usually cause him to resolve to not be like his father. It’s these identity issues that cause a boy to hate himself.
Saying negative things about men. Thanks to their failed relationship with the child’s father, many Single mothers have a subconscious hatred of men. And they express that hatred about every man they come in contact with. Saying things like “That no good nigger” or “Men ain’t shit”, or doing things like avoiding male cashiers, salesmen, and speaking negatively about male acquaintances have a profound impact on children, especially boys.
Hearing these negative statements and seeing these misandristic actions about men and regarding men make little boys afraid of embracing their masculinity and their male identity.
One of the easiest ways to turn a boy into a Mangina is to have him constantly hear numerous negative statements about men from his mother. When a boy hears that his mother hates men, he resolves to not be like them. Which is simply self-hatred.
Teaching their sons to disrespect their fathers’ authority. One of the most dangerous things Single mothers indirectly teach their children is to disrespect male authority. By making negative statements about the child’s father, dismissing things he says and telling them to disregard his instructions, she teaches her children to have no respect male authority and to have no regard for males in charge.
Most mothers think they’re getting back at the dad by doing this. But they don’t see the long-term damage they do by teaching their sons to have contempt for their fathers. Boys growing up to disrespect of their fathers have no respect for all other men in society.
Teaching their sons to disrespect male authority and male authority figures. When a mother teaches her son to have no respect for the authority of their fathers, it teaches them that men are not be respected. That can get him into trouble when he runs into male authority figures such as supervisors and police officers when he gets older. This is why many boys who come from single parent homes have a hard time adjusting to the real world. When challenged by male authority figures they often resist them or disrespect them because they’ve been made to believe they’re beneath them.
What most boys from single parent homes don’t understand are that these men they have little regard for have the power to fire him from a job. And if they’re in law enforcement these men who have the power to kill him if he doesn’t follow their instructions to the letter.
Projecting anger at the father onto the son. It’s not common for a Single mother to go into an angry rant when their son does something wrong or makes a mistake when they disagree with her. Oftentimes she’s venting the rage she feels about the child’s father at the son. Statements like: “You gonna grow up to be just like yo no good daddy” hit boys like fists. Oftentimes these emotionally abusive blows knock boys down for the count emotionally before they even get up to become men.
These hostile and negative statements from a single mother can force boys to withdraw socially, and erect emotional walls. These walls prevent these boys from connecting with others and forming healthy relationships when they get older.
Not allowing their father to see them. While things between a single mother and the child’s father may have soured, the mother should NEVER deny the father a right to see his child if he wants to see them.
Contrary to the belief of most feminists and liberals, a woman CANNOT be a mother and a father to a boy. Nor can she raise a boy to become a man. Boys need that relationship with their father to gain a sense of themselves and to understand their masculinity and male identity. Without that relationship they often grow up lost and confused about their identity as a man.
When boys can’t answer those questions that only a father can answer, they take cues from Hypermasculine images in media or from ideas from their peers to fill in the empty space regarding what type of man they should become. And if this media isn’t available, he starts taking cues from their mother regarding what type of man they should be.
Bringing in substitutes for a father. Many single mothers who have alienated the Child’s father and are overwhelmed try to bring in a substitute male to role model for him. Unfortunately, this man often never measures up or is capable of doing the job of the child’s father. Oftentimes he winds up just as overwhelmed and frustrated as the single mother is because he has no understanding of the family’s history or the previous history of the child.
What most single Mothers don’t understand is that only a father can meet the needs of his son. Only he can meet the emotional needs of that boy and because half of that boy is based on who he is and because he has some understanding of who the mother is.
Coddling their sons. Single mothers are the biggest enablers of bad behavior in boys. When their sons do wrong, they make excuses for them. When they make mistakes in life they blame others for doing wrong by “Their boy”. And when they fail in life, they bail them out.
Thanks to their coddling, their sons never grow up learning they have to take responsibility for their actions. Oftentimes, the sons of single mothers often grow up spoiled with a sense of entitlement and a belief that the world owes them something. That makes them impossible adults to deal with.
Inconsistent discipline. Along with coddling, the most damaging thing single mothers do to kids is inconsistently disciplining them. Because they don’t understand the role a father plays in establishing consistent structure and order in a child’s life, they either don’t punish boys for their bad behavior or they go overboard with excessively violent or harsh punishments.
With an emotional single mother there is no plan of action to correct the bad behavior in their sons or to educate them on what they are doing is wrong. So the bad behavior often continues well into their adulthood And because boys never learn that for every action there will be the same reaction every time they never grow up to learn how to take responsibility for their actions.
Teaching boys to be emotional. Boys who grow up in single parent homes don’t learn how to control their emotions. This leads to them not being able to cope with conflict in life.
A boy has to grow up to learn discipline and self-control in order to navigate life in the real world. When he’s raised to think logically by his father, he learns the self-control that allows him to walk away from trouble. He thinks about the long-term ramifications of his actions and the impact on others.
But when he’s raised by a woman he learns to think of his short-term feelings. And when he acts on those feelings, he often says and does things he regrets. A man who has no control over his emotions is more prone to go into a rage where he beats a woman who disagrees with him or says no to him, get into fights with men over silly things like a basketball game or a look in his direction. Or his words and actions can cause him to get into a scuffle with police where he’s fatally shot and killed for resisting arrest.
This loss of self-control can cause him to be seen as weak by other men and make him a target for the abuses of both predatory men and women.
Not teaching their sons what boundaries are. Some Single mothers just don’t understand what structure is like men do. And part of the healthy establishment of structure is establishing boundaries. Boundaries are imaginary lines in the sand that keep boys safe. They keep boys from going too far and doing things that will hurt them. And a strong father teaches their sons what boundaries are at an early age.
Boys who grow up without boundaries cross lines. They take dangerous unnecessary risks. They don’t know when they’ve gone TOO FAR. They violate people’s personal space. And they can’t take NO for an answer.
This leads to people having to do things like take out restraining orders, have them arrested, beat them severely, or even kill them to make them STOP whatever they’re doing.
Not teaching their sons coping skills. Boys who grow up in single parent homes often don’t learn how to cope with the obstacles life throws at them. When things like rejection, failure and loss come into their lives they don’t grieve, hurt for a while and move on like Real Men do.
Instead they go BERZERK.
Boys who haven’t been taught coping skills by their fathers can’t deal with the many curves life throws at them. When their girlfriends leave them, they stalk and kill them. When they lose a job they go on a shooting rampage. And when life just gets too damn hard for them they commit suicide.
Establishing a co-dependent relationship. One of the most destructive things Single mothers do to their sons is try to turn them into a surrogate husband. What they don’t understand is that they’re doing is establishing a co-dependent relationship with them.
In this co-dependent relationship, Single mothers attach an emotional hose up to their sons. And as they use their sons to get their emotional and other needs met it literally sucks the life out of these boys, preventing them from growing up to become healthy, functional men who can have a relationship with women his own age. Thanks to co-dependent single mothers boys never learn to get their own lives and become their own man.
Smothering. Smothering something that prevents a boy from growing up to become a healthy, emotionally stable functional man. When a woman smothers her son it’s the equivalent of putting a boot on a boy’s neck and never letting him get up. It paralyzes him and prevents him from moving forward in life. Many single mothers often KILL their boys by choking the very life out of them with their constant nagging and hovering over them.
When a mother holds a child too close to them, it prevents them from going out into the world and experiencing life. When they try to dictate the terms of a boy’s manhood all it leads to is him growing up dependent on women for his existence.
Bullying. Single mothers often use threats, intimidation and verbal abuse to control their sons because they become frustrated when they act in masculine ways they don’t understand. It’s often this emotional abuse that makes their boys grow up to see women as overbearing, domineering emasculating and downright hostile.
This form of bullying often makes boys avoid women and avoid relationships with women. If a decent woman doesn’t show him what a positive relationship with a woman looks like, he grows up to think of all women as monsters.
Trying to run his life. Some single mothers often try to control every move their sons make. This turns them into pussy whipped mama’s boys who can’t do anything for themselves.
What most single mothers don’t understand is that a man has to go out into the world one day. And that boys have grow up and learn how to do things for themselves if they’re going to survive out there. If he can’t leave his mother’s locus of control he’ll never learn how to take responsibility for himself.
Thinking she can raise a man be a man on her terms. Single Mothers often try to define their sons’ manhood on her terms. They’re often disappointed when their quest to make a “perfect” man out of their sons blows up in their faces. Usually when women define a boy’s manhood and male identity he grows up to become a pathetic creature who can’t do anything for himself without the leadership of a woman or a misogynist with a vehement hatred for women.
What most Single Mothers don’t understand is that only a man can teach a man how to be a Real Man. Only a man understands what a man has to do to navigate life in this world. There are only some lessons a man can teach a boy about life, and women need to understand this.
Trying to turn their sons into “Perfect” people. Another mistake single mothers try to do is making their sons better than their father. This puts a lot of pressure on a boy and gives him an inferiority complex.
Boys who are trying to be “perfect” often wind up growing up filled with insecurity and anxiety. This fear encompasses every part of their life making them introverted and withdrawn. They can’t cope with the challenges of everyday life because they’re afraid of making a mistake that messes everything up.
When it’s mistakes that make them better men. When boys make mistakes, they build the character that allows them to become stronger men with a tougher resolve.
Men who fail, fall and screw up learn how to get up, dust themselves off and try again. That failure is a part of life. And every failure only helps him grow.
Ironically, in their obsessive quest to make their sons “perfect”, Single mothers wind up making their sons into pathetic weak men who can’t function in society. Boys who grow up to become men who are afraid of taking risks. Men who are always playing it safe. Men who are nothing more than cowards.
Not encouraging them or supporting them in their quest to become independent men. Many single mothers profess to love their sons. But when those boys try to do things that will allow them to grow up to become independent men, they shut them down or sabotage them.
Many single mothers fear that if their sons start taking adult actions that will take them to the next level they’ll become like their “evil” fathers. So they do things to keep them stranded in a state of arrested development.
Oftentimes these co-dependent single mothers are afraid that if their sons start taking actions that will allow them to become adults, they’ll set boundaries and remove the emotional hose they’ve attached. And without that boy to maintain that co-dependent relationship with them, they’ll wither away and die pathetic lonely women. Or worse, they fear that their sons will find out the TRUTH regarding the relationship between her and his father.
Not encouraging boys to embrace their masculinity. Single mothers often do their sons a disservice by not encouraging them to be masculine. Instead, they shame their boys about expressing their masculinity and in some cases punish them for it.
Some women do this subconsciously because they have a deep seeded hatred for the child’s father. So they seek to get even with him by sabotaging their sons’ development. By emasculating him and destroying his masculinity and male identity, she hopes to get back at that man who she thinks did her wrong.
Not encouraging boys to embrace their sexuality. Many single mothers are ashamed of their sexuality because the relationship between them and their father failed. So they teach their children to be ashamed of sex and their sexuality.
Boys who grow up in single parent homes often grow up confused about their sexuality. And because there’s no father in the home to show them how a healthy heterosexual male relates to women, he starts learning how to relate to the opposite sex from a female perspective.
And thanks to his single mother’s bad sexual experiences with men he learns that sex is something dirty and wrong. Something only whores do with perverted “no good” men.
When there was nothing wrong with sex. There was just something wrong with the way she had relationships with men that led to her having bad sexual experiences.
Boys from single parent homes are often have no idea how great sex can be. Misled by peers and misinformed by angry parents they often have a negative perception of sex.
Sex can be a wonderful thing. When a boy is properly educated on his body and his natural male sexual energy he can share himself with a woman physically, emotionally and mentally and have a great sexual experience.
Misleading boys about Male/female relationships. One of the biggest lies Single mothers tell their sons is that he has to be a friend to a woman in order to have a sexual/romantic relationship with them. When this is not true at all. Following this advice leads to boys winding up failing at romance.
The truth is that women DON’T want to be friends with the men they choose to be romantically involved with. Most women choose their sexual partners and boyfriends within the first five seconds of looking at them.
The Single mother may want a man who is their friend after her failed relationships with men. But younger women who are functional and want a good relationship DO NOT want their man to be their best friend. Men who are in the friendzone are men they have NO sexual attraction to.
Telling boys that all women are whores. Many Single mothers express their jealousy at younger women their sons get involved with. They’ll say they don’t want their sons to make the same mistake they did years ago, but that’s a lie.
What they resent is the youth and beauty of these women and the possibility that they’ll have better character than they have.Moreover, Single mothers resent the possibility that their sons will have a successful romantic relationship. Single mothers fear that if their sons have a successful romantic relationship it’ll reflect badly on them. That it’ll show how they were the reason why their relationship failed and how everything wasn’t on that “no good man”.
So they express their anger at those women telling their sons that they’re whores and sluts. The goal of this shaming language is to make the boy back away from a possibly healthy relationship with a woman outside of her and continue maintaining a co-dependent relationship they have with each other.
Sabotoging his relationships with women. Single mothers hate their sons having girlfriends because they fear that as he gets closer to this woman, he’ll start establishing healthy boundaries that will sever the emotional hose they have hooked up to them. And if he severs that hose she’ll have to do something like getting her own life.
Single mothers often have no idea the damage they do to their sons every day. How their indirect actions are having a profound impact on their male childs’ upbringing. How the values they teach lead to their boys becoming men who can’t navigate the challenges of life.
If you’re a single mom, please put aside your grievances and let that father get involved in his life. He’s the only one who can teach him the lessons he’ll need to become a man. When you try to raise a boy on your own all you’re doing is destroying his chances of growing up to become a functional adult.
How does a single mother destroy her son? Let me count the ways:
Speaking negatively about their father. The most damaging thing a mother can do is speak badly about a child’s father in front of them. These negative statements about the child’s father are the equivalent of hitting that child with a fist in the jaw.
One half of that child is the father and when he hears his mother saying negative things about him he usually the boy grows up doubting himself. They think that there’s something wrong with them. That they need to change a part of themselves to get approval of his angry mother.
It’s these identity issues usually cause him to resolve to not be like his father. It’s these identity issues that cause a boy to hate himself.
Saying negative things about men. Thanks to their failed relationship with the child’s father, many Single mothers have a subconscious hatred of men. And they express that hatred about every man they come in contact with. Saying things like “That no good nigger” or “Men ain’t shit”, or doing things like avoiding male cashiers, salesmen, and speaking negatively about male acquaintances have a profound impact on children, especially boys.
Hearing these negative statements and seeing these misandristic actions about men and regarding men make little boys afraid of embracing their masculinity and their male identity.
One of the easiest ways to turn a boy into a Mangina is to have him constantly hear numerous negative statements about men from his mother. When a boy hears that his mother hates men, he resolves to not be like them. Which is simply self-hatred.
Teaching their sons to disrespect their fathers’ authority. One of the most dangerous things Single mothers indirectly teach their children is to disrespect male authority. By making negative statements about the child’s father, dismissing things he says and telling them to disregard his instructions, she teaches her children to have no respect male authority and to have no regard for males in charge.
Most mothers think they’re getting back at the dad by doing this. But they don’t see the long-term damage they do by teaching their sons to have contempt for their fathers. Boys growing up to disrespect of their fathers have no respect for all other men in society.
Teaching their sons to disrespect male authority and male authority figures. When a mother teaches her son to have no respect for the authority of their fathers, it teaches them that men are not be respected. That can get him into trouble when he runs into male authority figures such as supervisors and police officers when he gets older. This is why many boys who come from single parent homes have a hard time adjusting to the real world. When challenged by male authority figures they often resist them or disrespect them because they’ve been made to believe they’re beneath them.
What most boys from single parent homes don’t understand are that these men they have little regard for have the power to fire him from a job. And if they’re in law enforcement these men who have the power to kill him if he doesn’t follow their instructions to the letter.
Projecting anger at the father onto the son. It’s not common for a Single mother to go into an angry rant when their son does something wrong or makes a mistake when they disagree with her. Oftentimes she’s venting the rage she feels about the child’s father at the son. Statements like: “You gonna grow up to be just like yo no good daddy” hit boys like fists. Oftentimes these emotionally abusive blows knock boys down for the count emotionally before they even get up to become men.
These hostile and negative statements from a single mother can force boys to withdraw socially, and erect emotional walls. These walls prevent these boys from connecting with others and forming healthy relationships when they get older.
Not allowing their father to see them. While things between a single mother and the child’s father may have soured, the mother should NEVER deny the father a right to see his child if he wants to see them.
Contrary to the belief of most feminists and liberals, a woman CANNOT be a mother and a father to a boy. Nor can she raise a boy to become a man. Boys need that relationship with their father to gain a sense of themselves and to understand their masculinity and male identity. Without that relationship they often grow up lost and confused about their identity as a man.
When boys can’t answer those questions that only a father can answer, they take cues from Hypermasculine images in media or from ideas from their peers to fill in the empty space regarding what type of man they should become. And if this media isn’t available, he starts taking cues from their mother regarding what type of man they should be.
Bringing in substitutes for a father. Many single mothers who have alienated the Child’s father and are overwhelmed try to bring in a substitute male to role model for him. Unfortunately, this man often never measures up or is capable of doing the job of the child’s father. Oftentimes he winds up just as overwhelmed and frustrated as the single mother is because he has no understanding of the family’s history or the previous history of the child.
What most single Mothers don’t understand is that only a father can meet the needs of his son. Only he can meet the emotional needs of that boy and because half of that boy is based on who he is and because he has some understanding of who the mother is.
Coddling their sons. Single mothers are the biggest enablers of bad behavior in boys. When their sons do wrong, they make excuses for them. When they make mistakes in life they blame others for doing wrong by “Their boy”. And when they fail in life, they bail them out.
Thanks to their coddling, their sons never grow up learning they have to take responsibility for their actions. Oftentimes, the sons of single mothers often grow up spoiled with a sense of entitlement and a belief that the world owes them something. That makes them impossible adults to deal with.
Inconsistent discipline. Along with coddling, the most damaging thing single mothers do to kids is inconsistently disciplining them. Because they don’t understand the role a father plays in establishing consistent structure and order in a child’s life, they either don’t punish boys for their bad behavior or they go overboard with excessively violent or harsh punishments.
With an emotional single mother there is no plan of action to correct the bad behavior in their sons or to educate them on what they are doing is wrong. So the bad behavior often continues well into their adulthood And because boys never learn that for every action there will be the same reaction every time they never grow up to learn how to take responsibility for their actions.
Teaching boys to be emotional. Boys who grow up in single parent homes don’t learn how to control their emotions. This leads to them not being able to cope with conflict in life.
A boy has to grow up to learn discipline and self-control in order to navigate life in the real world. When he’s raised to think logically by his father, he learns the self-control that allows him to walk away from trouble. He thinks about the long-term ramifications of his actions and the impact on others.
But when he’s raised by a woman he learns to think of his short-term feelings. And when he acts on those feelings, he often says and does things he regrets. A man who has no control over his emotions is more prone to go into a rage where he beats a woman who disagrees with him or says no to him, get into fights with men over silly things like a basketball game or a look in his direction. Or his words and actions can cause him to get into a scuffle with police where he’s fatally shot and killed for resisting arrest.
This loss of self-control can cause him to be seen as weak by other men and make him a target for the abuses of both predatory men and women.
Not teaching their sons what boundaries are. Some Single mothers just don’t understand what structure is like men do. And part of the healthy establishment of structure is establishing boundaries. Boundaries are imaginary lines in the sand that keep boys safe. They keep boys from going too far and doing things that will hurt them. And a strong father teaches their sons what boundaries are at an early age.
Boys who grow up without boundaries cross lines. They take dangerous unnecessary risks. They don’t know when they’ve gone TOO FAR. They violate people’s personal space. And they can’t take NO for an answer.
This leads to people having to do things like take out restraining orders, have them arrested, beat them severely, or even kill them to make them STOP whatever they’re doing.
Not teaching their sons coping skills. Boys who grow up in single parent homes often don’t learn how to cope with the obstacles life throws at them. When things like rejection, failure and loss come into their lives they don’t grieve, hurt for a while and move on like Real Men do.
Instead they go BERZERK.
Boys who haven’t been taught coping skills by their fathers can’t deal with the many curves life throws at them. When their girlfriends leave them, they stalk and kill them. When they lose a job they go on a shooting rampage. And when life just gets too damn hard for them they commit suicide.
Establishing a co-dependent relationship. One of the most destructive things Single mothers do to their sons is try to turn them into a surrogate husband. What they don’t understand is that they’re doing is establishing a co-dependent relationship with them.
In this co-dependent relationship, Single mothers attach an emotional hose up to their sons. And as they use their sons to get their emotional and other needs met it literally sucks the life out of these boys, preventing them from growing up to become healthy, functional men who can have a relationship with women his own age. Thanks to co-dependent single mothers boys never learn to get their own lives and become their own man.
Smothering. Smothering something that prevents a boy from growing up to become a healthy, emotionally stable functional man. When a woman smothers her son it’s the equivalent of putting a boot on a boy’s neck and never letting him get up. It paralyzes him and prevents him from moving forward in life. Many single mothers often KILL their boys by choking the very life out of them with their constant nagging and hovering over them.
When a mother holds a child too close to them, it prevents them from going out into the world and experiencing life. When they try to dictate the terms of a boy’s manhood all it leads to is him growing up dependent on women for his existence.
Bullying. Single mothers often use threats, intimidation and verbal abuse to control their sons because they become frustrated when they act in masculine ways they don’t understand. It’s often this emotional abuse that makes their boys grow up to see women as overbearing, domineering emasculating and downright hostile.
This form of bullying often makes boys avoid women and avoid relationships with women. If a decent woman doesn’t show him what a positive relationship with a woman looks like, he grows up to think of all women as monsters.
Trying to run his life. Some single mothers often try to control every move their sons make. This turns them into pussy whipped mama’s boys who can’t do anything for themselves.
What most single mothers don’t understand is that a man has to go out into the world one day. And that boys have grow up and learn how to do things for themselves if they’re going to survive out there. If he can’t leave his mother’s locus of control he’ll never learn how to take responsibility for himself.
Thinking she can raise a man be a man on her terms. Single Mothers often try to define their sons’ manhood on her terms. They’re often disappointed when their quest to make a “perfect” man out of their sons blows up in their faces. Usually when women define a boy’s manhood and male identity he grows up to become a pathetic creature who can’t do anything for himself without the leadership of a woman or a misogynist with a vehement hatred for women.
What most Single Mothers don’t understand is that only a man can teach a man how to be a Real Man. Only a man understands what a man has to do to navigate life in this world. There are only some lessons a man can teach a boy about life, and women need to understand this.
Trying to turn their sons into “Perfect” people. Another mistake single mothers try to do is making their sons better than their father. This puts a lot of pressure on a boy and gives him an inferiority complex.
Boys who are trying to be “perfect” often wind up growing up filled with insecurity and anxiety. This fear encompasses every part of their life making them introverted and withdrawn. They can’t cope with the challenges of everyday life because they’re afraid of making a mistake that messes everything up.
When it’s mistakes that make them better men. When boys make mistakes, they build the character that allows them to become stronger men with a tougher resolve.
Men who fail, fall and screw up learn how to get up, dust themselves off and try again. That failure is a part of life. And every failure only helps him grow.
Ironically, in their obsessive quest to make their sons “perfect”, Single mothers wind up making their sons into pathetic weak men who can’t function in society. Boys who grow up to become men who are afraid of taking risks. Men who are always playing it safe. Men who are nothing more than cowards.
Not encouraging them or supporting them in their quest to become independent men. Many single mothers profess to love their sons. But when those boys try to do things that will allow them to grow up to become independent men, they shut them down or sabotage them.
Many single mothers fear that if their sons start taking adult actions that will take them to the next level they’ll become like their “evil” fathers. So they do things to keep them stranded in a state of arrested development.
Oftentimes these co-dependent single mothers are afraid that if their sons start taking actions that will allow them to become adults, they’ll set boundaries and remove the emotional hose they’ve attached. And without that boy to maintain that co-dependent relationship with them, they’ll wither away and die pathetic lonely women. Or worse, they fear that their sons will find out the TRUTH regarding the relationship between her and his father.
Not encouraging boys to embrace their masculinity. Single mothers often do their sons a disservice by not encouraging them to be masculine. Instead, they shame their boys about expressing their masculinity and in some cases punish them for it.
Some women do this subconsciously because they have a deep seeded hatred for the child’s father. So they seek to get even with him by sabotaging their sons’ development. By emasculating him and destroying his masculinity and male identity, she hopes to get back at that man who she thinks did her wrong.
Not encouraging boys to embrace their sexuality. Many single mothers are ashamed of their sexuality because the relationship between them and their father failed. So they teach their children to be ashamed of sex and their sexuality.
Boys who grow up in single parent homes often grow up confused about their sexuality. And because there’s no father in the home to show them how a healthy heterosexual male relates to women, he starts learning how to relate to the opposite sex from a female perspective.
And thanks to his single mother’s bad sexual experiences with men he learns that sex is something dirty and wrong. Something only whores do with perverted “no good” men.
When there was nothing wrong with sex. There was just something wrong with the way she had relationships with men that led to her having bad sexual experiences.
Boys from single parent homes are often have no idea how great sex can be. Misled by peers and misinformed by angry parents they often have a negative perception of sex.
Sex can be a wonderful thing. When a boy is properly educated on his body and his natural male sexual energy he can share himself with a woman physically, emotionally and mentally and have a great sexual experience.
Misleading boys about Male/female relationships. One of the biggest lies Single mothers tell their sons is that he has to be a friend to a woman in order to have a sexual/romantic relationship with them. When this is not true at all. Following this advice leads to boys winding up failing at romance.
The truth is that women DON’T want to be friends with the men they choose to be romantically involved with. Most women choose their sexual partners and boyfriends within the first five seconds of looking at them.
The Single mother may want a man who is their friend after her failed relationships with men. But younger women who are functional and want a good relationship DO NOT want their man to be their best friend. Men who are in the friendzone are men they have NO sexual attraction to.
Telling boys that all women are whores. Many Single mothers express their jealousy at younger women their sons get involved with. They’ll say they don’t want their sons to make the same mistake they did years ago, but that’s a lie.
What they resent is the youth and beauty of these women and the possibility that they’ll have better character than they have.Moreover, Single mothers resent the possibility that their sons will have a successful romantic relationship. Single mothers fear that if their sons have a successful romantic relationship it’ll reflect badly on them. That it’ll show how they were the reason why their relationship failed and how everything wasn’t on that “no good man”.
So they express their anger at those women telling their sons that they’re whores and sluts. The goal of this shaming language is to make the boy back away from a possibly healthy relationship with a woman outside of her and continue maintaining a co-dependent relationship they have with each other.
Sabotoging his relationships with women. Single mothers hate their sons having girlfriends because they fear that as he gets closer to this woman, he’ll start establishing healthy boundaries that will sever the emotional hose they have hooked up to them. And if he severs that hose she’ll have to do something like getting her own life.
Single mothers often have no idea the damage they do to their sons every day. How their indirect actions are having a profound impact on their male childs’ upbringing. How the values they teach lead to their boys becoming men who can’t navigate the challenges of life.
If you’re a single mom, please put aside your grievances and let that father get involved in his life. He’s the only one who can teach him the lessons he’ll need to become a man. When you try to raise a boy on your own all you’re doing is destroying his chances of growing up to become a functional adult.
Great points...I agree one million, billion percent!
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely, clinically correct in all your deductions.
DeleteThe way this article us written implies that all single mothers have the same story. There are so many generalizations that make it seem as if we are all in the same "box" it almost seems like he is accusing single moms of being bitter, hateful and ignorant. I think he should have just written the article in a way that would make a single mom feel as if she were teaching her something instead of accusing her. Its hard enough to raise a child, but having to do it all alone is the roughest road ive been on. The part about a respecting a father's authority, had me smh-ing. How can you have any authority when you are invisible and in an entirely different state? The part about not replacing the father because "no one measures up", is crazy too because again how can you measure anything when you are invisible? Does this mean that i am doing my sons harm by remarrying a good man, or by having a supportive uncle or grandfather? The part about keeping the kid away from the father is also interesting to me, suppose a father has deep mental issues or is locked up, should we still go above and beyond to put this child in a bad situation for the sake of a "father"? Another thing i noticed about this article is the fact that there are no scientific refrences quoted, no studies to prove what she's saying is correct. I think i might just write her a letter about this article.
DeleteThe way this article us written implies that all single mothers have the same story. There are so many generalizations that make it seem as if we are all in the same "box" it almost seems like he is accusing single moms of being bitter, hateful and ignorant. I think he should have just written the article in a way that would make a single mom feel as if she were teaching her something instead of accusing her. Its hard enough to raise a child, but having to do it all alone is the roughest road ive been on. The part about a respecting a father's authority, had me smh-ing. How can you have any authority when you are invisible and in an entirely different state? The part about not replacing the father because "no one measures up", is crazy too because again how can you measure anything when you are invisible? Does this mean that i am doing my sons harm by remarrying a good man, or by having a supportive uncle or grandfather? The part about keeping the kid away from the father is also interesting to me, suppose a father has deep mental issues or is locked up, should we still go above and beyond to put this child in a bad situation for the sake of a "father"? Another thing i noticed about this article is the fact that there are no scientific refrences quoted, no studies to prove what she's saying is correct. I think i might just write her a letter about this article.
DeleteI agree totally and they don't see it. This attitude coupled with their blindness to see anything wrong with their actions caused them to lose all appeal to me on many levels I neither identify or bond with them male or female in any way
DeleteThis is an amazing article, well written, and very insightful. The women who are so angry and defensive about the things written here have missed the valid points the writer was making. Some are also guilty of continuing this destructive pattern of generational dysfunction.
DeleteMost of the womn defending their "right" to raise their sons this way, also have not confessed that they may have chosen a poor example of a father/man to have a child or children with, but yet will bad mouth this same man to their children, without owning up to their OWN poor choices.
It's easy to tell how many of these same women have done little to no research into human behavior, child rearing, and how their actions determine the outcome of their children......and THIS is why it's still continuing. A lack of knowledge, a lack of WANTING to know how to change behaviors, and an unwillingness to stop blaming everything on outside sources has become a scourge in this society. The dumbing down of America is almost complete, and it's sad to see folks denying this.
Very true, the truth shall set you free. Denial is imprisoning. Unfortunately people have a hard time with taking accountability for their actions. Thank you for this refreshing truth.
DeleteWow, so women are incompetent and must have a man to raise a boy??? How about a single dad raising a girl or can men do everything on their own. What if the father is not the best role model or wants nothing much to do with their son as you imply it's always the woman keeping the loving doting dad away!!!
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DeleteWow! So very true. Although i have daughters the same principles apply. My oldest questioned my authority for the first time in 18 years. Regurgitating all that she has heard her mother spew out.
Deletewow dude you are seriously bitter, I assume about your own experience!! I'm a guy, brought up by a single mother, none of this applies to me - of course boys need fathers and a single mother can never substitute for an absent father but that's exactly where the real issue is - WHERE ARE THE FATHERS ??? my own father disappeared, even walked by me in the street..this is not unusual - a single mother may not be perfect - but she's THERE - let's hear it for all the single mothers that have done the best they can when THE GUY takes no responsibility !!! I know my ma did god bless her
DeleteFirst I would like to say Thank you to the Man who commented above me! You are truly amazing and your Mother did a Wonderful job raising you. I also am a single Mother raising my two sons and a daughter without their Father. Well unless it's convenient for him that it. lol I need not go into details about my situation, I just wanted to come in here and tell you that not ALL single mothers are like this. I'm sorry if yours was, Shawn James. ♥ Hugs btw... Both of my Sons and my Daughter are successful and happy adults today. Raising productive children IS possible to do being a single Mother IF you understand the needs of the children and put them first in your life.
DeleteI just read this article this morning, and the majority of the things I read like this I decide not to reply. However this one I cannot seem to pass up.
DeleteI will say that I'm a single black mom and going through this article there wasn't one thing that I could check off and apply to myself and the upbringing of my son.
His father and I are not together, and there is no ill will wished upon him. I can honestly say I made the decision when he was born to never speak bad about his father in his presence. Of course we have our disagreements and sometimes he's just disrespectful and hurtful but I don't allow his actions to dictate my own.
We live in different states and I go above and beyond to make sure he spends time with him, video call etc, even when his father refuses to answer I find myself making excuses for why he didn't answer so my son will not be upset. My son will develop his own opinion for his father.
I am a teacher so I witness hands on the issues that arise with bad parenting. I would not limit this to one particular race because I see it in ALL races. Especially those of bitter single parent homes for both male and female.
The only thing that I had trouble with was putting this umbrella over black women as a whole, while it should be geared towards bitter single parents. I haven't had a "substitute man" in my son's life at all. In fact I made the decision to not date, especially in his early years because I don't want random men in and out of his life, that's just wrong and confusing.
I wonder if the statistics of failure in black male children coming from single parent homes would change if more people took the time to encourage a solution instead of highlighting the problem. I agree that children need strong foundations in order to be successful. A man is supposed to lead his family and that is not limited to the children because he should lead the woman as well.
Not all women are equipped to be mothers just the same as not all men are equipped to be fathers. What this article is lacking is addressing when a father does not step or is not a positive role model for the child in question. Is a mother then wrong for keeping a child away because he or she is being exposed to lifestyles that are unfit (drugs, streetlife, guns,etc) for children, or do we continue to expose are son's to this environment in hopes that he will be strong enough to not mimic what he is being exposed to? Because at the end of the day, this is still his father and according to this article his father is the only man that can teach him.
I would love to see a piece from you that highlights ways a black single mother or single parents period can be successful in raising their sons and keep them away from falling under the 70 percent statistics.
I agree with you completely. This author did so much generalizing and so much accusing, that i doubt it will help.
DeleteUrm! Who chose the bad roll model in the first place?
Deleteno problm women don't need to seduce men so they won't due alone with no love and no family, you have no idea how tough it is to seduce a woman, single Mother's boys often die in utter misery , i couldn't work out why i was getting rejected by every woman that ever liked me until the age of 35 when i realised too late it's because i was brain washed by my single mother to be a nice guy, man, that really really screwed my life up, beyond repair
DeleteAnother emotional response from an immature female.
ReplyDelete*YAWN*
I'm not implying anything. I'm just stating the facts.
Let's look at the statistics in the Black community which is 70 percent single mothers and 70 percent of all births are out of wedlock:
70 Percent of all Black males born to single mothers wind up dropping out of school before they finish High School (Some even quit Junior High schoo,)
70 Percent of all Black males born to single mothers usually wind up in some type of trouble with the criminal justice system before they turn 18,
70 percent of all Black males Born to single mothers wind up incarcerated,
70 Percent of all Black males born to single mothers usually wind up unemployable.
When boys are born to a single mother they're usually put on a road to destruction.
One of my family members is a NYC school teacher and sees the dysfunction and chaos caused in the lives of boys due to living in these single parent female headed homes. These boys are insecure and act out because there is no man there to meet his emotional needs.
Why are boys today softer and more effeminate than in previous generations? Why do they attach themselves to images of males on TV? Because THERE IS NO FATHER IN THE HOME TO MODEL MANHOOD FOR THEM.
You do need a father to raise a son. Only a man can teach another man to be a man. Now I'm sorry if things with the man you chose to be with didn't work out, but without a positive male in a boy's life he is not getting what he needs emotionally and mentally to grow up to become a functional adult.
A woman CANNOT teach a boy to become a man because she DOES NOT KNOW what it is to BE A MAN or what a MAN will face in the world.
I grew up with a part-time Dad and now I'm just realizing what I missed out on because I didn't have a man in my life full-time to teach me about manhood. This piece was to let know women know the numerous ways they harm their sons by depriving them of a father.
Brillant article. Thank you very much for taking the time to put this into the world. Women need to realize their power over their childten and take responsibility. I've recently become a single mother and no matter how much you'd like to deny it...you do slip into these patterns. It's overwhelming to take on the role of two parents...one in which you cannot replace. This article has helped me see many more viewpoints and I will definitely alter a few things just from reading this, as I don't want my son to be damaged in this way. He's already been devastated enough by his father, the last thing I want to do is add more even though I'm sure on some days I do, not intentionally. It's not easy being a single parent. It takes on a whole new outlook and much more responsibility. Childhood needs balance. Thank you again for hitting all the keypoints.
DeleteI agree with this article. I see the fruits of fatherless boys. It's up to men and women to live chaste and virtuous lives. Stop having babies out of wedlock, and wait for marriage, it's the only solution. Promiscuity is the number one breeder of fatherless children. Women need to be ladies and stop the madness. It's totally insane to have a baby without the safety net of marriage. Who suffers the most? The child is the innocent party.
DeleteThese "statistics" are false. Over 84% of black children graduate from high school, which means quite a number are from single parent households. The only stat you posted that is accurate is that 70% of black children are born out of wedlock. The rest is figment. Do you have government stats to support your claims, or is this entirely conjecture?
DeleteThe way this article is written implies that all single mothers have the same story. There are so many generalizations that make it seem as if we are all in the same "box" it almost seems like she is accusing single moms of being bitter, hateful and ignorant. I think she should have just written in a way that would make a single mom feel as if she were teaching her something instead of accusing her. Its hard enough to raise a child, but having to do it all alone is the roughest road ive been on. The part about a respecting a father's authority, had me smh-ing. How can you have any authority when you are invisible and in an entirely different state? The part about not replacing the father because "no one measures up", is crazy too because again how can you measure anything when you are invisible? Does this mean that i am doing my sons harm by remarrying a good man, or by having a supportive uncle or grandfather? The part about keeping the kid away from the father is also interesting to me, suppose a father has deep mental issues or is locked up, should we still go above and beyond to put this child in a bad situation for the sake of a "father"? Another thing i noticed about this article is the fact that there are no scientific refrences quoted, no studies to prove what she's saying is correct. I think i might just write her a letter about this article.
DeleteWhy is is assumed that the woman "deprives the son of a father?" I know this happens way too much, but sometimes it has nothing to do with the mother. The fact is, most fathers (statistically speaking) do not get involved in their children's lives; particularly when babies are made irresponsibly. The truth is, both mother and father are most of the time equally irresponsible. I say this because men and woman are not responsible enough to the unborn child. Most of the "fatherless" boys are born from irresponsible sexually relations between couples who hardly know each other. Women would do well to protect themselves against pregnancy, or make sure the man they are having sexual relations with would be a responsible and loving head, as well as discuss their thoughts on children, all before becoming pregnant due to having unprotected intercourse. I agree with your article with regards to all those items you listed being extraordinarily destructive to our precious boys/men. However, I do not agree that all women do this. I agree that single-parent homes are not going to satisfy the needs of two-parent homes, however, I do feel like your article is impartial to women. One of my greatest pet peeves is women who bash men because they don't stick around to take care of the child. The reason this bothers me so intently is due to the lack of responsibility that many women take. The truth is, we are the ones that slept with the guy, and most of the time, all the signs of them not being "husband" or "father" material are all there before we make babies with them. And if the signs of them not being responsible aren't there, we still have to get to know them long enough to be convinced that they would be good fathers, and most importantly, that being a parent is a reciprocative feeling from both parties. Now, this statement does not include the incidents and circumstances when two "originally" responsible married people make babies, but then there is a divorce and the father/mother end up going south. This is for the majority of single parent homes that are single parent homes because of irresponsible sexual behavior. BOTH parties play a roll in the sad circumstances of a child, boy or girl, growing up without both parents being equally involved. However, should this happen, it is not just the mother who should take the blame for the single family home, it is also the father. It would be vindicating for you, as well as all men, to recognize that as well. Not recognizing that is just as destructive to men as a bad mother!
DeleteOh, and by the way, I think it is important to mention, that the behavior you described in your article is just as harmful to girls as it is the boys. Young girls who would grow up in this type of environment learn destructive behavior as well. For a freelance write, it would be good that you show less partiality and more wisdom with regards to parental responsibility to "children," not just "boys."
DeleteAgain you state we are depriving them of a father when many times it is the father depriving the child of a father. You never responded to my question about a single male being able to raise a daughter....or a son for that matter or is a child only lacking when missing a dad?
ReplyDeleteI am hardly immature and I am not black either maybe you should have been more specific to the African American community then as this is not my experience at all
Good for you. I agree with the author. This is nothing to hurt single mothers but to offer insight. There are a Lot of sorry men coming out of homes managed by single mothers (all races). Single mothers (black, white, spanish....) are affecting the outcome of our young men in a not so great way. If a single father is raising a female or male child, the outcome is normally different due to many factors (structure, mental stability, income, discipline...) Being a single mama is not all that.
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DeleteI did not answer your question because it's an obvious deflection. I'm not talking about single fathers. I'm discussing single mothers in this piece. And the process for damaging a boy is covert, not overt. The blog was to show women the numerous ways they unconsciously and subconsciously have a negative effect on their son's upbringing and their lives.
ReplyDeleteAnd the father wouldn't deprive the child of a father if the mother would have taken the time to examine this man's character before having a child with him. Some women know these guys are bums when they date them. But they hope, wish, and pray he'll get better over time. Not understanding most men are AS IS.
This blog wasn't written just about Black boys. I used those statistics because as a Black man I know them extensively. In most cases Boys without fathers or some strong male leadership in any community usually grow up to become lost confused and dysfunctional men. The kinds of men who usually become the kinds of fathers to abandon their sons just like dad did.
Yes, Shawn, I see so many soft, emotional, drama queen men these days. They're always, you know, in a woman's company, a busy body, always in somebody's business. Most women like these jerks because a lot of feminists hate alpha men anyway, a man who is an independent thinker, who doesn't cater to their every need. This weakling is always the life of the party, a major suck-up to female bosses, I see it all the time. As a woman, I feel these type of men are untrustworthy. They're just as manipulative as their mamas and the females they befriend. Yes, boys need fathers.
Deletei have no brothers and no sons, was raised in a two-parent household. i have been with some men from single parent homes and two-parent homes. all black men and all had their issues...just like everybody else. single moms aren't ruining their sons, f-ed up and missing in action dads are doing it. it's irresponsible to write this type of article and lay blame on the moms.
DeleteSo same sex couples should not have boys? And your version of what a man is or needs to survive in this world. This piece is narrow-minded and bigoted. The thoughts are well thought and concise, but telling the problem without suggesting alternatives that do not include a father who "is being kept away"? A parent who wanted to impart honor, security and knowledge, i.e. a father would not, as many single mothers would not let the devil himself keep them from their children.
DeleteAnd here are some real statistics. On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.1 in 15 children grow up exposed to domestic violence. 94% of murder suicide victims are women (and often children) Sometimes walking away alive and keeping a child fed, educated, loved and safe is way more important then teaching them "how to be a man". That said, single parents need these reminders in a constructive way. There's no value in ever taking out adult issues by any parent on any child.
With all do respect that is putting an awful lot of responsibility and blame on the woman. No, we don't always know when a man is an arsehole. Men can be pretty good at portraying one thing but being another so now women need to be psychics to? You are taking all the responsibility off the men. If a man goes to prison is the woman responsible? How about the man taking responsibility and not committing a crime. I didn't know my ex would not be able to handle the responsibility of being a dad when we married so that's my fault???
ReplyDeleteIf a man is a poor role model even if he is around I think the child is just as likely to be disturbed, there is no cut and dry answer here each case is different and I think perhaps poverty levels need to be taken into consideration as well.
Do you blame your mother for your dad only being around part time even if it was HIS choice?
The fact that you're spending this much time arguing on the internet about why you're a great mother instead of taking care of your kid is pretty strong evidence that you have always been part of the problem.
DeleteAs defensive as you are to a man you've never met, I can imagine why a man might abandon a kid to avoid a life tied to you.
*and for the record, my ex came from a 2 parent home-dad was there until the day he died (my ex was 33)I don't however think he was emotionally there though which is my point, just because a dad is still about doesn't mean HE is capable purely because he is male and a 'father' As the saying goes "any d**k can make a baby but it takes a man to be a father"
ReplyDeleteagree with shawn totally about this!!!!!!!!!! experience is the best teacher
DeleteWomen do not, as a group, like to be told that they do ANYTHING badly. This subject makes them a lil' touchier than normal. There will always be women (they seem to travel in herds) asking about "what about what men do"... Deflection.... So, U take Ur car to an auto mechanic. He/she tells you what is wrong with it.U then proceed to tell him/her what U think is wrong with their car... is that how that works??? ***laffin' pretty hard*** Now that's funny...
ReplyDeleteWow this is totally true, some stuff are fimiliar and similar to me and some are not.
ReplyDeleteAnd I kinda feell like a project of my own mom, but I am not a project and I want to build on myself and thats what Im going to do.
I made up a motto as well:' I am not a project, I am a human being.'
But there are women who thinks that men see them like a object, thats not true.. cuz there are also men who are looking for love and not makin love, most do want that on the same time as well. Women do pull limits on relationships, but men dont understand these limits (if am I right). There is also a motto for you ladies in my mind: 'I am not a object, Im a human being.'
So what I am thinking is that men see women as objects and women see men as projects. Both got their connections, women do have different countless projects on men and men can see a woman as a object in different ways as well like a love/sex/'Oh I am soo lazy I need a wife/girlfriend' object. But there are females who like to object on males for money and to get spoiled.
Anything has its connection and need to find another connection to function well together.
I think you are very judgemental not all single mothers are in poverty maybe in the bronx where you are from mississippi georgia have one of the largest black population in america so if you've never been to any other larger black population states you don't no really how the mothers are raising there family just because the statistics claims majority blacks are in poverty don't make it true you should not believe everything the government have on the web not denying alot of blacks are on benefits but the majority no don't believe it
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks these things. No matter how much my mother tries to 'replace' my father, there is still somethings missing that I saw in other fathered kids. Most of these things are true about my mother. Sometimes I feel like I'm bullied by her. When I want to do something that other boys do she tries to sweet talk me out of it, and if that doesn't work she just prevents me from doing it. She also tries to run my whole life, too. She thinks she knows what I want in the future even though she never thought to consider my goals or dreams. I don't think my father is much of a leader having kids with everyone in the world; but my mother won't even let me create my own future and do what it takes to have that future, and that is equally as bad. Why have a future that is not mine? Why am I living for someone else and not myself? If I have goals for myself they should be more of a priority than her goals for me. I thought the job of the parents were to guide not decide.
ReplyDeleteYeah, women are psychologically aggressive. To be honest, many play head games with their sons. They fill it with a load of crap to keep the son's allegiance to them. Yeah, I know how they are. Women love to play the martyr- how they've done this and have done that. When you cease to comply or to agree with them, they try to make you feel guilty and they unleash the beast. They also love to play the victim. Many suffer Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcassistic Personality disorder. Now try living with someone like that! To make a long story short, men need to make a stand for their kids, stopped being intimidated by these conniving women, and get their act together. Many men attract the same kind of women that their mother is. They end up hen pecked,emasculated, and defeated.
DeleteAs a psychologist, an actual one, you deflecting your own issues into a whole gender. Borderline btw is most commonly associated with rape and sexual abuse. Be the change and do not worry about conniving women brainwashing boys into respecting their and others sexuality. It is quite overdo.
DeleteThere is a reason for two parents. They have a system similar to checks and balances so that the child can live in a balanced household. When a parent is unavailable for any reason this messes up the balance.
ReplyDeleteWhen balance is messed up, the single parent can wreck a child's life.
ReplyDeleteLet's face it, we live in a society that does not support children and families, period. Of course it's always harder on colored folks in all kinds of ways. Let's not get side tracked though. We're all in this together. Our fates are intertwined. Let's fight for and demand the things that strengthen and and support people so that families can remain intact. We need economic and emotional justice and all kinds of other stuff.
ReplyDeleteSingle parents are out there doing the impossible. They are doing the best they can in a mean and hostile environment. Far more are out there doing a good job as opposed to a poor one.
While this article definitely sheds light on what single mothers should avoid, it is quite biased.
ReplyDeleteIt is distasteful that everything is stated in absolute terms--It's asking for a backlash.
Hi Guys, I've read through what I can stomach of the above statements.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, the first and extremely detailed comment was left by a man who obviously has never experienced being a single parent. As with all things, theory and practice are different things. You can try your theory, and put it into practice, but it's unlikely to be successful: because you haven't spoken to the single mothers.
There's no question that being a single parent is a horrendously difficult job. For information, I am a single parent of a now 20 year old son. I have worked full time since he was 3 months old, because I didn't want him growing up into a social payments life style and wanted him to be able to recognise what people have to do to make a go in life.
As a result of this, my son was left with child minders, who charged me highly for their services and a different set of rules. Most importantly, I wasn't around to provide him with the emotional support he needed when issues came up. I had to work to pay for the roof over our heads and the food on our table. This is what is required in this life.
When he became a teenager, he was extremely aggressive, disrespectful and bullied me in every manner possible. At 20, he does exactly the same thing. The anger he suffers because his father abandoned him is taken our on me all the time.
I understand that people who have not experienced this in life would have no clue about the actual combination of factors are that lead men, who are brought up by single mothers into a road of poverty. This is one of many. When a man's father leaves him, his feeling of worthlessness is supreme.
In my opinion, having actually experienced it, sons of single parents end up down this route not because of anything the single mother has done to encourage it. It is because sons realize in their early teens that they don't have to do what their mother says - they are phsyically stronger and bigger. They take full advantage of this. Their early teens, of course, is when their education should be starting to take shape.
Neither Society nor the State assist here. This is the job the father is supposed to do - the man figure in the family.
It is my opinion, based on 20 years of being the single mother of a son, that it is not a good idea to be a single mother. It is also my opinion that no woman wants to be a single parent. If a single woman finds out she is pregnant, the choice is very clear. Terminate, or be a single parent. In your article, it appears that your criticism of single mothers would lead me to believe that you believe all single women who discover they are pregnant should terminate to save their sons having to go down the road of poverty.
In my case, I would believe that every single woman deserves a medal - she has chosen not to terminate. Unless you are a single parent, you would have no clue of what it is I am speaking.
IT IS THE MAN LEAVING that creates this unhappiness and society's unbalance.
When my son's father left us, and I was left with all this grief and distress to deal with, as well as working full time and bringing up a man by myself, I had no energy to build another relationship with another man.
What was worse, is that there is nothing on the face of this earth that would ever convince me that any man is worth that type of pain again. NOTHING. I remember my first thoughts were, that if a man can wallk out and desert his own son, his own flesh and blood, and never look back, what's the point in having one around? What purpose do you serve to society if you cannot contribute to your childrens' existence? By all accounts, you are completely useless.
When a woman is destroyed in this manner, the likelihood of her meeting and being able to trust another man is very slim. And your answer to all of these issues in society, is to criticise single parents.
Shame on you.
not all single moms do it right, my parents spit when I was 11, and I stayed with my mom because my dad was abusive and hit her and never liked me.
DeleteAs my voice got deep, my mom would constantly tell me I was speaking in a negative tone like my father. If I did something that maybe reminded her of him, she threw it in my face as a negative. Read my story below for more.
My mom used her gay friends to keep me in line, she would have them feel me up and she would yell at me if I showed displeasure. She wants me to be gay. She hates that I am her son, because I am not her daughter. My sister has stolen and sold much of my moms property, but my mom likes her better just because she is female. I had to give all my earnings from my first three jobs to her, because she was too lazy to work or get welfare, but she could befriend strong gay guys from the gym who would just loved to molest me, and would if I didnt pay her, as I found out when I was late making her a payment, as I was living at a friends house, walking home from work, and these guys pull me off the road, one holding me, the other cuts off my shirt with a knife, proceeds to give me an oral warning, which was quite disgusting as a straight guy.
My mom was raped by her dad, so she uses it as a threat to keep me in line, and I know she isnt bluffing, her gays will rape me on her command.
Read my story below, just because you dont have the mental capacity to understand situations outside of your own, does not mean they dont happen.
Dear Sylvia, I am the mother of a son, and you lady, you are delusional in your thinking. So cliche and sterotypical. Oh yeah, and full of how smart and great you are. You were the borish mom at the playground that went on and on about how smart and special both you and your lil pumkin is while the rest of us rolled our eyes. You keep telling yourself all that, and you'll never have to confront that IQ you've got.
DeleteGood Gravy. Cue the violins.We got another single mom VICTIM with a woe-is-me story.
ReplyDeleteHere's the deal: Your child's father wasn't a MAN. He was a MALE. A WEAK MALE without the BACKBONE or the BALLS to stand up and take care of the family he made. I'm sorry you had to experience this, but this is what happens when you don't check these guys out FIRST before committing to them. That's YOUR RESPONSIBILITY as a WOMAN, To VET these LOSERS before you commit to them.
It's all the man's fault? Did you ever ASK him if he wanted a child? Did you ever ASK him what kind of future you wanted.
Dating is about finding out what a man is about FIRST BEFORE you hop in the sack with him.
The time for a woman to leave is when the man asks for sex without marriage. I guarantee you, once you DENY some of these guys the panties you'll see the true colors of these guys. That's when they run for the hills and you separate the MEN from the BOYS.
What you're dealing with is a the direct result of single parent. Angry kids who don't have a sense of male identity because they don't have a father. They're frustrated because they don't understand how to be a MAN. Because only a MAN can raise a boy to become a MAN.
Sounds like you're really hurt by that man and that baggage is keeping you from moving forward. It's also doing damage to your relationship with your son. The fact that you weren't there for him and he had to look to get his needs met by those child minders is why he's so resentful of you.
I realize that i am replying to an article that you wrote two years ago, but i must say that i hope that you have continued to do your research on single moms. I hope that you have evolved enough to understand that your situation is not the same exact situation that every child of a single mom has. I also hope that you have come to terms with your past by seeking therapy and that you have learned to forgive your mother for doing her best to raise you. i hope that you have reconnected with your father so that you can learn his side of your story. I also hope that you have evolved in your thinking.
DeleteWow. You are real insecure with your manhood lol. That is some hogwash if I ever read it (; But to each his own. - "over emotional woman" (;
ReplyDeleteTrent, your story is horrible. You keep missing the most important piece though,: your mother's FATHER, who was in the household, made her the way she was towards men. That's the point: just because a man is in the home, it doesn't mean that everything will be roses. Some homes are far better off without the men who were abusive.
DeleteIllimitable man has a good piece of writing about female defensiveness, and I clearly see it here. I wouldn't even have free sex with a women of such character, who replies stupid stuff to broke guys raised by single mom.
DeleteSuch a mature response.
ReplyDeleteAt 53, I am a survivor (barely) of an out of control, rage-filled abusive mother. On a regular, sometimes daily, basis I'd receive threats, name-calling and was put down in front of my 2 younger sisters. At one point, my sister was dating a thug who smooth talked my mother, and she basically gave him power to say and do as he pleased...which created a world war. I responded with rage and anger that lives with me to this day. The fact that I am gay leads people to assume it is the byproduct of growing up fatherless. Hmmm. Possibly. All I know is I felt strong sexual urges for males from my earliest memories, back to age 5. One's sexual attachment, I might add, involve all 5 senses so saying they are choices or acquired desires is pushing it. P.S.: During the last year of my mother's life (she passed away a few months ago) she went through a major transformation and I was able to forgive her. In spite of it all, I always knew was a good woman, though she lack lacked coping skills..to deal with rejection and life in general. WIshing all of you well.
ReplyDeletewow !!! so much of what you say is true, yours and my mom must be related !!!
ReplyDeletemy dad is white, my mom black, yet not much different than what you say, except she'll throw whiteness in my face negatively.
did your mom ever make you support her?
my mom had gay friends who made sure every paycheck of mine went directly to her, she even made sure to befriend a few cops. most of the time I was living away from her, and when I was with her she made me pay for rent and everything.
the only thing nice my mom ever did was let me smoke pot, and skate when I was little, still skate today.
She always told me how gay guys were such gentlemen and straight guys were such pigs, and she always tried to make me gay, by letting her friends feel me up, and yelling at me if I squirmed away or showed displeasure.
I can imagine that there are many situations where the single mom is a good thing, as my dad didnt like me for the same reasons my mom doesn't, for being part my mom/dad. The first few years my mo, was single were good, then we had a landlord who didnt want me to live at the house because she is lesbian and does not like men. She made me cosign the lease as I had recently tuened 18, even though I lived in that house for one month. My mom was not bothered by her man-hatred one bit, so I moved out, that month she got fired, and got evicted.
This was the start of her making me pay for EVERYTHING. she wouldnt let me eat even though I was the only one working full time, my sister part time. my sister could get free food by flirting, my mom told me I must have a rotten personality to not get free food like my sister, I told her she was flirting to get food, my mom called me sexist pig hella loud, I worked at an amusement park my mom would hang out at instead of looking for work.
For years this continued, with her army of gay men to keep me in line, I found out one day she wasnt bluffing, as they gave me a warning that was nasty to endure if you are straight like me, though not horrifying.
She has made me unable to rent a place because she has gotten evicted twice under my name, I wasnt necessarily at gun point, but never had enough money to leave town and escape her gay friends, it was even to the point that she could walk into work and they would give her my check as long as my sister said it was ok.
The things you say about her not wanting me to have a romantic life are especially true, she would say something to every girl she finds out Im with, which usually happens when she "happens to run into her" at the store. She is very social and seems nice, so she would always find out from so and so.
this hatred is only aimed at me, as she gets along with other guys just fine, then she gets mad when she finds out they were trying to get with her all along, she is so naiive she doesnt know when she is getting hit on, she says.
I am sure the situation would have been bad if I stayed with my dad too, as he never liked my character, or how I wasnt good at baseball, never appreciated my skating, or cared about how I liked Formula 1, just mad that I didnt get straight A's.
However, he would not have taken my money once I left the house by using gay friends who would have enjoyed molesting me.
I would have kept this secret about my mom, but she has proven she is a terrible human being, I do not want to see other guys go through what I did, I honestly have no idea what to do around women, Im 29 and they say I look good, but I feel like a robot, like that part of my soul never existed, I know Im not gay as I am attracted to beautiful women, but it almost feels like Im asexual, its like I want it but I get this huge feeling of guilt or something once a pretty lady does talk to me.
My mom says men have no emotions, she did everything in her power to destroy mine. Robotic dullness.
It does have a few advantages, like maintaining logical thought in any situation, as when others are scared or excited or whatever, Im just there
A really interesting read as I can identify with some of these things I observed through an ex-boyfriend who was raised by a single mom. The reason we aren't together is because of the deep rooted issues from his upbringing that (even at his ripe old age of 35)he struggles to deal with and has only started to step away from his mother. These issues mean he cannot embrace meaningful relationships with women and he remains a very angry and an ashamed male.
ReplyDeleteI'm not judging single moms as my father was raised by a single mom and turned out to be a fantastic father and husband and provided for his family. I know plenty of great single parents (moms and dads) who get out there and do the best FOR THEIR CHILDREN FIRST AND FOREMOST, and not lump their emotional issues onto their children. Some may argue that its teaching responsibility - BS! You're just being a victim and your most convenient sympathy audience would are your dependants - your child/children.
I support proactive, good parenting 2 parent or solo parent) because children deserve the best start in life.
I guess the truth hurts. That's why the emotional all caps response to an old article.
ReplyDeleteWhat if it's the Dad who bails, and wants nothing to do with the son? Happens a lot. Women are often left (through no fault of their own in some cases) and just have to try to do their best in the aftermath of abandonment sometimes.
ReplyDeleteGood article..you have quite a few things correct. I was in a relationship with a man who had his mom run his life..and lo and behold she was a single mother (a widow). So he never had a father figure in his life and had and still has his mom running his life. Unfortunately, i married him not even knowing that such relationships even exist between a mother n son. I first respected his relationship with his mom and respected her for believing in his choice of woman to marry. So she let us get married, but right after we got married problems poured in. She of course had to make my life miserable and I was completely lost as to why she was constantly competing with me. She made me feel as if im the 2nd wife and she's his 1st wife..she compared herself to me in terms of education, the clothes i wear even she wanted to eat what i was eating. It hurt me tremendously and i couldnt figure their relationship out, but i knew that there was something going on in the backgroud that's causing issues. She never displayed these behaviours in front of me...but i knew she was playing from behind. For e.g a simple phone call from her would sent her son into a panick attack..and i was flabbergasted as to how can a mother have such a hold on her son. Btw he wasnt her only son...she had 2 more who apparently fled away from her control and formed families. She was able to control my husband and kept him in that zone. Husband was constantly in denial of everything as he blamed me for his problems. He started to see me as in issue..and he didnt have the ability to look inwardly at whats going on. He was also exactly as u described..that he put other people's feelings (his mom) above his own. He made her emotions and insecurities his own..they were 1 person albeit in different bodies. I felt lonely, hurt, lost and confused. Today i realize what was actually going on..and that my husband has been suffering all his life with this witch of a mom. I doubt she will ever let him settle down and create a family of his own..as that means he has to cut the cords with her.
ReplyDeleteThis is not a war of men and women Children are human being these are not your pet, custodial parent bring their son as he or she want no avoid these kind of thinking.
ReplyDeletekindly consider child rights meeting with both parents is a child basic right or need and both parents bound to give proper time to their child either son or daughter. And definitely child personality will affected when child's upbringing without parents either father or mother.
Kindly consider your child as a human being not a war weapon which is using separated parents against each other and regarding single mom kindly try to provide basic need/right to their child which is child's real father his real identity not deprive child's real identity which is by nature
I absolutely loved every point that you made in this article. It should be required reading for every woman who. Has a son, especially if she is raising him alone! I just posted a very similiar message on my FB page
ReplyDeletewow. glad i found this article. unfortunately, this damage listed describes everything wrong with my husband's relationship with his mother. He was raised by a single mom and is loaded with emotional problems. Many women probably don't do half of these things to their sons, but many also do. Case in point, my MIL. Sadly, we are probably going to end up divorced because he acts exactly like half of what you described here (and mom still has the "hose" attached to him and won't back down.) Funny thing is, you addressed this article as if it was a "Black" probem. Um, no sorry (and I love your writings) but this single mom problem transcends race. My husband's mom is WHITE and is guilty of everything on the list...
ReplyDeleteI only address it as a Black issue because my core audience is African-American. But the emotional hose is a big problem single mothers have. The father will make the mom cut those apron strings so these boys become men.
ReplyDeleteCan I recommend your husband read Dr. Robert Glover's No More Mr.Nice Guy? That book helped me understand a lot about boys and the relationship they have with single mothers.
I hope for the best for your marriage, maybe you can work it out with your husband if he goes into counseling.
Shawn James, I know your article is "old" but, the subject matter continues to pass on with each generation. I just happened to come upon your blog & no, I'm not black, I'm white. I agree with many points you make & I also agree with some of the feedback from the folks who have pointed out that these issue's transcend color. I've always kept an open mind to everything I encounter in life & feel no matter what the subject there's always going to be the exception to the situation & with that being said, I too unfortunately got into a relationship with a white man who unbeknownst to him is & has been suffering all the repercussions you have listed & this wasn't a single mother upbringing till later on, he is a middle child & his two older brothers wisely split the scene forging their own way, having their own families & understandably have little to do with their mother. The dynamics between my boyfriend & his mother are she appointed him to unload all her dysfunction & inappropriate emotional garbage on & to fill the surrogate husband role starting & going back to his 9th grade year. His father gallivanted amongst many other women the entire time his parents were married having many an affair, his mother was not happy about yet, fully aware of & unhappily put up with. His father would finally presented his mother with divorce papers as he decided he was going to marry the woman he currently was having an affair. It was at that point the 48 year old I'm with was labeled & expected to fulfil & take the place of his father. His mother plays the victim & refuses to cash in that victim card & is pardon my french, a royal dominating, miserable, nothing's good enough, bossy, manipulating bitch. If my boyfriend had ever wanted to marry & have children his mother was going to see that he was denied of this from the beginning, as I've learned after getting involved & as one person has commented, it would have never worked out because the mother would have always been demanding the attention & it would have been like a competition. Now, the woman his father married from the affair was apparently even worse & I mention this because this woman didn't want anything to do with his son's & she didn't want the father to have nothing to do with his son's either & he obliged it so, not only what kind of a man is that..? What kind of a man does that..? So, he had nothing to do with his boys & anytime any of the boys wanted to see their dad they had to hunt him down literally & physically at the watering hole he frequented what an appropriate father son visit considering they were at a bar & the father had already been drinking & of course the bitch he married had no idea his boy's were sadly visiting with him this way or she would have had a fit. Skipping ahead when their father passed away his son's of course weren't told about or invited to the funeral, they found out themselves about it & they went & paid their last respects to a man in my opinion that let them down. My point is THIS...The father HAD been raised with both a mother & a father & was an only child, he did come from a quote unquote, normal family with both parents being present, involved & together throughout his entire life....I just wanted to point this out, sometimes it doesn't matter if you grow up with a mother & father married & together & very active & involved in their children's lives. Shit happens as they say & so, regardless of the 48 year old's father growing up in the all American apple pie family with his father present to teach him all about being a man... He certainly didn't do his own 4 sons any justice in teaching them how to be men...Just my thoughts, thank you for giving me a place to share & express.
ReplyDeleteIn this case it sounds like a typical "Nice Guy" Scenario The father was a womanizer and the son is trying to NOT be like his father. What he doesn't understand is that his relationship with his mother is sucking the LIFE out of your relationship.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I recommend you get him Dr. Robert Glover's book No More Mr. Nice guy http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1406561193&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy+by+robert+glover This book will show him what he's doing wrong and what's destroying his relaitonships.
If this guy can't get his eggs together and cut the apron strings after reading this book, I suggest you dump him. It's only going to get worse.
Considering all the social and economic issues that Black society faces today, I think it is a little lopsided to place the blame of society's miscreants squarely on the shoulders of the single mothers. Single mothers should not be doing the things listed in your article, but the problems you claim are created wholly by these women are at least as much (and probably more) societal and systemic than they are familial. The playing field is not level, not by a long shot, and blaming that on single mothers is very short sighted., to say the least.
ReplyDeleteDeflections, deflections.
ReplyDeleteI will NOT make excuses for single mothers.
Single mothers are wholly responsible for creating a dysfunctional environment for their children.
Their unwillingness to work with a child's father or in most cases today to have children with men UNFIT for childhood creates children who wind up being put in an environment detrimental to their growth. Most of the sons of single mothers grow up to be WEAK men who are INCAPABLE of taking adult male responsibilities. They learn co-dependency as a way of life and never learn to stand on their own two feet.
How is the playing field not level when women can get jobs FASTER than men, and get paid child support as well? Not to mention money from their boyfriends. Seems they have the economic advantage today. Single mothers are NOT victims.
My point is the Single mother destroys a boy's GROWTH with her domineering, emasculating, controlling and bullying behavior. She tries to make her son a man on her terms, and only raises him to become a soft weak man no other woman can have a relationship with.
have you really never met even one single mother who raised a healthy child? it's such a shame your entire experience has been so utterly negative, I feel for you.
DeletePhew... some pretty heated comments on here. I am a white woman from Europe, and my son's dad [my husband] left when son was four years old.
ReplyDeleteIt was really damaging, as dad would routinely let our son down, as his ''new'' girlfriend wanted to spend time alone with my husband, without a little boy in tow.
The biggest gift ANY parent can give to a child is two stable, loving parents. This fundamental 'basic' fact is so rare in today's society, and I feel it impacts especially badly on boys.
Like it or not, boys do need their dads, and granddads.
There is a huge swathe of young men who are ''under fathered'', and I do wonder how this will pan out, as these men in turn become fathers themselves.
I sincerely hope that they will be faithful, devoted dads, but without a solid role model, how do they learn?
Women too need their dads.
I have witnesses waaaay too many fatherless girls be incredibly needy to men who are much much older than they, and it doesn't look healthy.
Yes, I admit to being clingy with my son, [I have just one son, as when my husband left, I didn't marry again, or have a partner.
Life isn't perfect, and it seems nowadays that relationships break down far too easily, and the children are always the ones that pay the price.
A great tragedy for society as a whole.
On English council estates ''projects?'' in USA?- there are young boys who are desperate for a male role model, and seem to enjoy getting into scrapes with police, almost so they can be disciplined, and be told ''enough is enough''.
One of the worst mistakes a mother can make [whatever the gender of her children] is to be inconsistent.
Being a single parent isn't easy.
As for ''vetting'' the future husband, my husband had stable parents who never strayed, and my own mother died when I was very young, so dad remarried, but they stayed together til death parted them many years later when dad died.
so both of us had come from ''stable'' homes unbroken by infidelity.
My ex husband has been married three times, he has a daughter of 18yrs, who is [apparently] a ''nightmare'' .
I agree with so much of what you wrote, thank you for writing in this candid yet authentic and balanced way. I too was forced into making the choice of single motherhood as the best choice by far over exposing my boys to living with a crazy, psychotic, paranoid, abusive dad who threatened to kidnap them and didn't work to earn anything for years.
DeletePS, My son is a man now, has been with his girlfriend 10 years, they are buying a house together, and thankfully, my adult son now has a relationship with his dad.
ReplyDeleteI tried hard [after the initial grief reaction] to never run his dad down, but now, it is as if the roles are reversed, and it is my son who is the parent to the dad.
I was dismayed once when the dad's third wife phoned our son and asked for his advice in the best way to treat his dad, as he had done yet another disappearing act, and why wouldn't Dad marry her?!!!
That is NOT on. I was in the room when she called, so heard the conversation.
Men are to blame in the breakdown of family, and usually it is the woman left 'holding the children', and taking care of them.
Whenever I heard a 'left woman' say she was ''banning all contact'' with her children's father, I would say ''that isn't fair'' [in my eyes, a single mother is one who deliberately chose to be a single mother- most women don't enter into marriage thinking they will end up as single parents!
If the father isn't to be trusted, there are [in UK at least] ''contact centres'' where it is safe for the dad to see the child/ren.
It appears that black and white people are equally as bad at relationships that leave children fatherless.
There is a deeply depressing tv prog called Jeremy Kyle, and on it one sees appalling cases where mothers don't even know the fathers of their children, and also fathers who have ten, twelve different kids by as many different women.
I wonder of it is more of a ''class'' issue here, rather than a race issue. Benefits pay out well the more kids women have.
So...the 'poorest, least well educated' woman has as many kids as possible to keep the benefits rolling in.
My ex-husband also displays an enormous number of the faults discussed in this article, despite being raised by a Mom and Dad in a small town, being active in church, etc. His mother was over-bearing and he now blames her for his life-long battle with depression which led to extreme drug use, domestic violence and long-term unemployment. For the sake of our 3 sons I reluctantly ended the 13 year long marriage and now raise them alone. He is a psychotic recluse who refuses to see our boys. There is no doubt I can't raise sons as well as I could in a marriage with a healthy man but that was taken away from me and I just have to do the best job I can in the circumstances. Was it my ex-husband's mother's fault? Possibly, but not because she was a single mother. All mothers have the potential to be good and bad, as do all fathers. The difference is that the mothers are ALWAYS left holding the babies while the fathers too often just walk away.
ReplyDeleteyes I feel for you and have had a similar experience. it's so unfair to hear this!...
DeleteThe words for this mum versus dad thing is Passive Agressive manipulation to gain sympathy in any partnership, and neither parent should ever talk about the other to get sympathy or use the kids as a weapon of hate, my kids are in their fortys, divorced 25 years lived on my own for 25 years and only after I went to live with another woman did the no talking mad stuff begin, when asked what the promlem was they can't answer, just get upset and i get a few single word explanations like you were hard yards when we were growing up, if I tried to cover these statements it just got worse, truth is not something they want to hear,and they delete email don't take phone calls, and all that madness only started in the last couple of years, before that no problem, I give up trying to figure it out except to say Mum has played a big part with suttle comments over a long time, like your father did this or that.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy this article is an ongoing one because single women who're raising male children need to take to heart these writings.
ReplyDeleteIn all honesty I don't see anything in this article that's purposefully bashing single woman who're raising male children so please don't be defensive and truly tune into what's being said. The reason I say this is because I blocked my mother's number and refuse, ABSOLUTLY REFUSE to have anything to do with her due to the way she treated me while I was younger onto the way she treats me now. Everything she did finally caught up an now I've became to her what she's been to me all my life. Mirroring to her exactly who she is whenever she finds a way to contact me. Women if you love your son(s) take to heart what's written in this article and strive to become opposite the mother who destroys her own son(s).
No woman alive can tell me from personal experience what it means to be a man, nor do any of them have a clue. So there isn't a woman alive who can raise a man. A woman might raise a thug, yeah? Or maybe a homosexual whose confused about his identity? Who really knows? Yet no matter how you look at it, no woman alive can teach a man about what it means to be a man.
How do you overcome this if you are that boy who grew into a man with this single mother parent who has done everything you just mentioned? And, I am NOT wanting an answer from anyone else other than Shawn James.
ReplyDeleteWell, I first suggest you read your Bible and understand God's natural role for men. God made the man the head of the family and the leader. As the leader you are the one who needs to take charge of yourself and your life.
ReplyDeleteSecond I suggest talk to a licensed psychotherapist like The Iceman www.asktheiceman.com who deals with men's issues. A licensed therapist will help you work towards removing the emotional hose that your single mother has attached and work with you towards standing on your own two feet.
Third, I also suggest you read Robert Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy. http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1406561193&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy+by+robert+glover I'ts a book that will explain many of the issues men from single mother households have.
Fourth, I suggest you join a men's group in your area. You need to find out what it means to be a man, and discover your masculine energy. You also need the support of other men.
Fifth, I suggest you start watching YouTube videos produced by Men and talking about Men's issues. This helped me a LOT and listening to these men helped me start understanding the natural role of men, the impact of feminism on men, and how many men have wound up in a dysfunctional life paradigm
sixth, I suggest you start putting yourself FIRST. Taking care of yourself and your needs before anyone elses'. When you put yourself FIRST you start seeing yourself as a leader. And when you put your needs above others, people start taking you seriously.
These are the primary steps I've been taking towards undoing the damage of living in a single mother household in my life. For the last five years I've grown a lot and I'm trying to help other men break free of the co-dependency they've learned in this dysfunctional environment.
Shawn James, Thank you for the specific advice. I do believe it is very sound. Thank you. I will follow it. As far as others commenting in negative fashions. They simply just dont understand. But I do. Again, I am thankful I stumbled across this article. Finally some REAL advice.
ReplyDeleteThanks. It sounds a little bitter for single mommies. But as we all know, Truth is always bitter. Thanks a ton for putting together Very helpful Advices. While I was reading I texted a few of your advices to my friend which I strongly believe I need to follow.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome. Wrote this to help out the men out there so they can get themselves right.
ReplyDeleteAfter a day of rescuing singe women, I could not stand it any longer. I set down at the computer to see if what I had experienced today was normal. I am 55 and at a point in my life that the women that I have lived around and know since young have grown sons. I keep running into the same issues. Single mothers with sons that are complete losers and moochers. This article and a couple others I found brought some reality to light. Literally everything wrote here I have seen in these single mothers with boys lives. I am going to print this article off and share it with them. They all have a love hate relationship with their son. They are all afraid to hurt their son's fillings for fear they will lose them. The Mothers have destroyed their own lives by giving everything to their son's with no regard to their own well being. As a man, I tell them to cut the apron string, let them go and go and enjoy the rest of their lives. They have done their best and they are young men. If they truly love you and respect you they will be there for you. They will come back with gifts and always help you when you need it.
ReplyDeleteFor those that want to know about men-daughter relationships, men-son relationships and mother-daughter relationship, they are out there to be read. This article addressed the mother-relationship I have been seeing almost perfectly. So Fathers, man up and step into your sons lives. They need you and want you.
Wow, whenever I see something like this, I kinda get a little defensive. I was raised by a single Mom. But it was 'cause my Dad died. 9 brothers and sisters. Dad died before the youngest was born. I was fortunate, I don't have the issues the author spoke of. My Mom never said anything but good things about my Dad. And she made sure we had good influences from family friends. Don't get me wrong, there were definitely things that I missed learning from my Dad and maybe had to learn them thru that school of hard knocks. But, I was lucky and I recognize even more how great my Mom was. I hope single Mom's can take this message as constructive. And I wish we could figure out how to get deadbeat Dad's to step up.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I so agree and I feel for you. You're sounding so sane and human and balanced in the face of this harsh criticism on all single mothers withous any distinction. thanks again!
DeleteShawn, you are entitled to your opinion, but you are unnecessarily harsh. I met and married a man before " jumping in the sack ". He became abusive after I got pregnant. I still wanted him to be in our son's life after I left him, and he chose not to be a role model or father. I do the best I can. I will not take responsibility for someone else's pathology.
ReplyDeletethank you for writing this, it's my own experience exactly too. and to judge by what their teachers and many other people are saying, my boys are doing great! (10 and 12). Yes, it's challenging, but I'm doing all I can to stretch myself in uncomfortable ways to give boundaries and love at the same time. and I could not have foreseen how abusive he would get. It feels totally unfair and hurtful to read this harsh criticism.
DeleteWow, thank you so much for this article. This really gives me a perspective on what my life could and should have been like with a father. It's so hard to tell what's right and what's wrong when you only have one female to raise you. Of course you believe what she says. What else can you do.
ReplyDeleteMy mother had raised me telling me that my father was selfish and greedy. I grew up thinking that my father owed me this and that. Very late did I learn the things he would've had to offer me.
After I had first met my father and come back, I decided to move out of home. It wasn't a question. For the first time in my life, I had real confidence. My grandmother (the only adult person in my life besides my mother) said: "I don't know what your father did with you, but if I could, I would kill him."
She would say: "Your mother loved you so much and gave up everything for you. You must love her and be there for her."
So I'm slowly realizing, after having broken off contact for some time, what this has done to me. I am infinitely angry and feel the urge to smash my mother's head. How could she dare to expect me to be a fucking pseudo-man for her! How could she dare to play her manipulative games with me and make me into her sweet little thing when I needed her to let me have my space! Let me feel my emotions! Let me deal with my failures! This woman has robbed me of so much time.
Yet I am lucky to come to realize how things should be. I have not given up; on the contrary, the knowledge gives me the freedom to be who I want to be, even if it will take longer. Thank you again.
Your article, well some of the points anyway, resonated with what I'm going through. Even though I am Latino, my mother was a plebeian Puerto Rican woman who truly wasn't qualified to raise children. Yes, she did the best she could, but from my analysis it is clear her marriage to my piece of shit father was a total waste of time for her. She had a child like mind (second grade education), was abused at her masters house (yes, she was a slave for many years), and her family was totally broken. My guess is she only married to placate her siblings, who continuously mocked her Virginial state - so she gave in and married that piece of shit dominican I used to address by first name, never as dad.
ReplyDeleteI too have mad work to do as a result of growing up in a toxic single parent home in the south Bronx. Imagine having a mother whose entire adult life consisted of welfare checks, watching Spanish soap operas (I abhor TV shows), and little else? Again, it's not that my mother was a bad person, as she struggled to make up for the piece of shit father whose last name I reluctantly carry, it's just that i feel she didn't really go into motherhood with a clear plan. this whole thing about black single motherhood also affected Puerto Ricans and as a result there are a ton of us sitting alongside blacks in penal institutions because of the inconsistent discipline we were given as youngsters. My solution? Abortion.
Just a random musing: if single mother + smothered son = feminine male, does that mean single father + smothered daughter = masculine female? Either way families need both parents, not one or the other.
ReplyDeleteAppreciate your opinion, from your life experience...but to say that every single mother -son single parent relationship is this way is biast, egotistical and ignorant. Thank you for sharing, freedom of speech! Hallelujah! But really? I am sorry for your experience, but to say it is the norm is moronic. Just as racism is completely absurd, so is your examination of every single mother.
ReplyDeleteThis is not only the experience of a Son suffering under a Single Mother. It is also the experience (more or less) of a Son with Parents who have Divorced or are in the process of Separation/Divorce.
ReplyDeleteIt can be the experience of any Son; with a Mother or Mother figure that seeks to utterly destroy him.
In the end, when she is in an aged care facility, who is gonna care for her and visit? NOT THE SON SHE HAS ECONOMICALLY, SPIRITUALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY DESTROYED... She can rot in her own excrement in her invalid toilet chair while immigrant nurses wipe her ass... because I won't!!!
That's my revenge!
Call it what it is : "MISANDRY"
ReplyDeleteThere are more of them than you know and recognise. It is epidemic in the Western World... so much so that equal legal protections for Men as victims of "Gender Inspired" crimes perpetrated by the other gender, need to be legislated as a matter of urgency.
How many Men have been doped with anti-androgens and other sterilising analogues that Women have intentionally spiked them with. Guys... your Prostate problems are not genetic or a result of diet; you're being taken out with pharmacological precision by the Women that seek to destroy your very essence... the thing that makes you what you are... "TESTOSTERONE" and "TESTICLES"
That's not a Freudian complex involving castration anxiety.
It's really happening.
NOTE IT AND BEWARE!!!
My Mother broke my nose, gave me a vertebral injury and held a knife to my throat on two occasions. Constant hysterical, verbal abuse and bashings as a child. When I was an infant, she left me out in the midday sun in the middle of Summer, until my skin turned to blisters... second degree burns (I now have sun cancer... thanks Mom).
ReplyDeleteI mysteriously fell from a shopping cart and sustained a serious head injury when learning to walk. I have a learning and speech disability as a result. As well as reasoning problems.
My Sister used to put crushed up birth control pills (yes, fe-male hormone pills) in my food and drink, between the age of 15-18 years of age (she spiked me constantly). Probably at the direction of my Mother. Unbeknownst to me, when I started to become attracted to Men; and began to display homosexual tendencies (which was very confusing, alienating, upsetting and disturbing) I couldn't connect that arising phenomena with Sisters actions (spiking me with the Pill) because I didn't know.
I just though I was sick... but it was the hormones I was being spiked with. i am sure of it. I suspect the rise in homosexuality is a result of this. Worldwide in Western Society where the Pill is readily available to Women.
My Mother convinced me that she was a Psychic Clairvoyant from the age of about 6 years. I was lead the wrong way by her. An exercise in mind control and abuse that has lead me to poverty, psychic destruction, self loathing, disarray and a loss of my abilities and personal power.
Women create Misogyny... so they can activate it against you.
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Oh Shawn, thou ignorance doth much shew, Dear Lad! OK, so I know this is an old convo, but I couldn't help but to chime in with my $.06 worth...
ReplyDelete1) Nothing reeks of closed-minded, imbalanced ignorance like that of someone's attempt to make their experiences, failures and gripes the definition and sum total of everybody else's experience. THIS, Lil' Honey, is not a deflection but a basic truth. Shawn is bitter about his experiences/observations, so he paints a broad stroke of generalization over everybody else's. As you say, Hon, that does not wash out here. "Here," as in among intelligent, free-thinking souls. Nice try though.
2) To piggyback on that, if you have an axe to grind, grind it with whom and where you've been offended and deprived. To lash out at an entire collective is just...unhealthy and unbecoming. The biggest deflector in this whole conversation is you yourself, Shawn!!! Instead of dealing with your own demons, you deflects them onto women (particularly Black women) as a whole. Here's hoping you seek some true healing soon, Son.
3) To lay the blame of the epidemic of single-parent households exclusively at the feet of black women is...well, laughable at best. How pathetic one must be to stoop that low! Nicca, we would need several volumes of several books to even BEGIN to outline the pathology of the men with whom these women are reproducing! Even as a woman, I believe wholeheartedly that females must learn to be selective in our dating and mating choices. But as so many stories here have made clear, it's not always the 'obvious' loser who leaves a woman holding the kiddie bag. There are scores upon scores of 'decent' men who give up on their kids!!!! Because women carry the lion's share of childbearing and childrearing, I do believe they should make their sexual choices commensurate with that level of reproductive responsibility. HOWEVER! It should not be too much to ask that men be men and own their SH*T! If a man is not financially or emotionally prepared for fatherhood (and sticking it out for the long haul), he should NOT even be pursuing women for sex. PERIOD! But men the world over are making dumb decisions as do women. No need to try to get women to be the scapegoats for male insecurities, inadequacies and downright stupidities! Not cute, Shawn. :-(
To be continued...
4) If you think that f'd up males only come from single-mother homes, you are far more naive than you've proven. My siblings and I grew up in a 2-parent home WITH our bio parents, and I can't even begin to describe the damage my father did to my brother!!! Because Pops was f'd up in the head due to the shortcomings of his own upbringing (and was too prideful to see it, much less deal with it), he passed along his bullshittery to his son. Ditto for my mom. In her effort to balance out Dad's brutal and heartless approach to parenting, she coddled my brother, constantly making excuses for him and catching his falls. And I can honestly say that I've seen MANY men from single-mother homes who run circles around my brother in terms of being successful, being able to relate to women and people in general. Well-adjusted men who do well in life. I said all that to say this: the dynamics of family makeup, family successes and failures are vastly expansive. If you think your lil' commentary is true to form for everybody, you need to get out more!!!!
ReplyDelete5) While I'll grant you that your list of motherly offenses accurately depicts the plight of many men's lives, it's still a very simplistic attack on much more complex issues. Life is rarely as cut-and-dried as you've tried to depict. A man's outcome in life is determined by a myriad of factors, not just how his mother dealt with him.
6) Finally, let's just say that sometimes men fall into a rut of excuses and martyrdom over their upbringing. As some point, we have to ALL own our sh*t (even the stank handed down to us), level with our dysfunctions and declare, THE BUCK STOPS HERE!!! Then seek to heal within and help others overcome. I ask you, Shawn, if all the guys raised by single mothers are doomed, what in tarnation happened to William Jefferson Clinton?!?! Whose father died before he was even born? What defective excuse shalt thou render for the celebrated Director of Pediatric Neurosurgery, now presidential-hopeful, Benjamin Carson?!?! And well, I know you know it's coming...how doth one explain away the life and legacy unfolding for the leader of the free world, President Barack Hussein Obama? Since you missed the memo, let me inform you that all 3 were raised primarily by single mothers!
Try again, my friend. Your attempt to demonize and villify the single mother is a colossal failure. Case closed!
Finally! Someone injects some reason into the discussion. Shawn's mother did a real job on him, but she is neither every single mother nor all single mothers. Have you confronted your own mother, Shawn, or are you too scared to stand up to mommie dearest?
DeleteThank you, Kali. Glad some others could smell through this nonsense too. I don't usually go that hard on people's blogs, but this cat struck a deep nerve with me. Shoot, I know way tooooo many single mothers who deserve awards for how beautifully they raised their son(s) despite the absence of a trifling-a** missing father. Mothers who DON'T treat son like boyfriend...who don't coddle them...ones who push them and make them do their best...mothers who go out of their way to allow trusted uncles, cousins, coaches, mentors, etc. to speak into their sons' lives and spend time with them, fully acknowledging their need for the male role models and influences. I'm like, how dare this cat roll up in a public forum and paint that kind of picture. I mean, he set me off with the first daggum sentence!!! "The most toxic environment for a boy growing up is a single mother household." It should've read, "The most toxic environment FOR ME growing up as a boy was in a single mother household." THEN! I could've sympathized with him and given him some encouragement. SMH...
DeleteIf you want to see who rules over you, find out who you are not allowed to criticize. Why is it that we can criticize fathers without criticizing mothers? Doesn't it take two to make one?
DeleteThis is large part of the reason why the community is in a bad shape. Apparently, she is responsible enough to copulate with and give birth to children, but can't be responsible for what she teaches him. If there are a ton of bad fathers, there are just as many bad mothers who were willing to sleep with them.
If this was the other way around, with single fathers villainizing mothers, then it wouldn't be as appropriate
Stop portraying all women (especially single mothers) as victims. All it does is give evil women a free pass and privilege and make responsible women work twice as hard for the same amount of recognition. It's rewarding childish behavior in adults. .
Correction: That should've read: What "defLective" excuse shalt thou render...
ReplyDeleteP.S. Before you go assuming I'm a defensive single mother, I should add that I have NO children...by choice! I like my afternoon naps too much! LOL!!!
Good Gravy. You do know there's a Red X at the top of your screen. If you don't like the blog you can click out of it.
ReplyDeleteRed X at the top of the screen. Just can't see it.
ReplyDeleteStereotyping is going to help I suppose. What destroy the sons with both parents? What destroy the daughters being raised by single fathers? Most single mothers do the best that they can with such limited resources. Limited resources and poverty destroy our sons and daughters.
ReplyDeleteWhat sterotypes? This is the truth regarding these single mothers and their victim narrative.
ReplyDeleteAgreed!!!!
DeleteHmmm...so I expressing a deeply opposing view and the only response I get is an invitation to exit the conversation? C'mon, you can come back better than that, I know!
ReplyDeleteSo I "express"... [typing too darn fast.]
ReplyDeleteClearly this guy is just bitter. Be mad at your mother not at everybody else's mother.
ReplyDeleteI suppose that you are either a convict or homosexual, shawn james, since you are the product of a single mom
ReplyDeleteAnd to address those women who are scoffing and puffing smoke about "we're not all like that", then don't comment. You know the phrase "if the shoe fits"? Well, that applies here. It seems like, for them, they try to " make the shoe fit", knowing full well that it won't, then come back to throw their "findings" in the face of the author. Understand that there ARE women who DO fit the author's description to a tee, meaning that, in the case of MY mother, she might as well be Cinderella putting her foot in the glass slipper, cause the shoe fits oh so perfectly. It was like the article was written with her specifically in mind, cause I was pretty much check marking all the areas that fit her. I understand two things by this article: 1), that obviously, it WON'T apply to all single mothers, races, and situations, and 2), it is SPECIFICALLY written for those that it DOES apply to. So, to get on here and whine about how it doesn't apply to you only makes YOU look the fool cause he states that it only applies to THOSE situations, not ALL of those situations. I know that, for me, it helps me immensely because it explains the behaviors of my mother and why she did them, as well as why I went through the things I did.
ReplyDeleteMothers who do not fall into this category know who they are. The only thing I'd add, is that this behavior of sabotaging a son's relationship out of fear he will get closer to his woman", is not relegated to just "Single Mothers". In my work as a clinician, yes, most of them ARE single, but many are also dissatisfied, unhappy married women. Women who should work on their own marriage but instead, established unhealthy boundaries with their son's, that serve her emotional needs like you described, all while damage him for a lifetime. These man/boys never mature, are weak and incapable of being a protector, provider or partner with any woman. I want to scream to every mother I meet who damages their sons in this way to "Get a freaking Life Of Your Own!!!!!". All Love Always!! Founder of The Father-Daughter Institute
ReplyDeleteI do agree whole hardheartedly with the author's statement : "When you try to raise a boy on your own all you’re doing is destroying his chances of growing up to become a functional adult". So, to all the sisters out there, if you are divorced, widowed or the relationship with his father is over, move on, don't make your son his replacement....attract a partner that will be a Great example of what manhood looks like... for his best interest and yours. All Love Always!!
Saying negative things about men. “That no good nigger” wtf is that racism?
ReplyDeleteNot racism when I''m talking about Black single mothers.
ReplyDeleteClearly, the writer has issues with his mother or his "baby mama." It's sad he had to embellish his "facts" to demean black single mothers. Many of my friends are single mothers and don't raise their sons by the points in this post.
ReplyDeleteThis could have been a wonderful article if it wasn't so blatantly misogynist. It could have been about how PARENTS screw up their children. So "speaking negatively about the father" could have been "speaking negatively about the absent parent". And "saying negative things about men" could have been "saying negative things about the opposite gender". In fact, minus the glaring misogyny, this is a carbon copy of every "Do's and Don'ts For Co-parenting" that I've ever seen, except each Do and each Don't has been re-written to skewer women. Our patriarchal society loves to perpetuate hatred of single mothers (especially if they aren't wealthy and white), rather than celebrating the parent who STAYED (regardless of gender.)
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this article, I now understand why I'm such a fuck up adult. As a grown person, I can't blame my problems on others, but I wonder would I be a better man if I had male figure in my youth. My mother loved me and had good intentions (as most single moms are I'm sure), BUT sometimes you can fuck thing up royally even with good intentions. To all the single moms reading this article, put away your feelings and your ego for a second, and think of your sons.
ReplyDeleteYou guys do realize that 70% is not 100% right. What that means is that the generalizations account for the majority but not all situations. Not sure how this became about race because the article references SINGLE MOTHERS not SINGLE BLACK MOTHERS. a woman cannot teach a boy to be what she does not know how to be herself. You cannot teach something accurately that u have not mastered yourself. And to master being a man u have to be a man. Also substitution of a male figure only works when the stars align because depending on who that person is if your dating them there is already a negative stigma surrounding that child that can cause an underlying tension to manifest until that child is older and rebellious at which that same man will have minimal understanding because that child is not his own and will find it hard to relate to them depending on what age they were introduced. the older the boy is at introduction the less effective that man's authority will be. Why because as far as he knows or has been taught he is the alpha male in his home and who are u to say different. For any woman on this page to say that she is not guilty of at least one of these things in the article, you are lying to yourself and everyone else. I am a father of 3 girls and I try to teach my girls to think logically and make good decisions and plan ahead, always do your best and be self sufficient . I can't teach them what it takes to be a successful woman because I've never been that. You see woman bashing but I see a chance for enlightenment to give your sons the best chance to succeed in life. To you ladies who can't take critism but are quick to call all absentee father's deadbeats because he is not with u. U need to take accountability for your own actions. You knew what Kind of person he was when u laid down with him (unprotected). And the harsh reality is that u didn't put in the time to get to know him so u had no idea that his father was absent as well and you would be raising his son in the conditions in which he grew up . its ironic huh. There is an epidemic of men who confuse being strong alpha male with not having respect for authority or anyone else for that matter. And a lot of women are attracted to that mysterious bad boy image. But the bad boy never settles down does he or his lack of respect for authority or other men lands him in jail or dead which account for the majority of absentee fathers not the mans unwillingness to be there. If this is the case then u just made a poor decision( we all do from time to time) most men take pride in being able to raise their sons regardless of their family history but another harsh reality is that for a lot of women (not all)once he breaks up with u , he breaks up with his kids too because now all of a sudden u see things in that man that you wouldn't want to expose your kids to( ie a new girlfriend) but his lifestyle was OK when he was with u... at some point we have to love our kids enough to want to do better accept our shortcomings and grow. This was an enlightening article and I hope it entices change.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it that women of today are more miserable than they ever have been before? This article couldn't be more true. I have been happily married to my wife for 15 years, have a wonderful relationship with my mother and hers, have 3 lovely sisters and 2 daughters of my own. All of them have integrity and a strong belief in God. Certainly, nobody is perfect, but all of you defensive women in this post may want to look into the mirror and take this article for what it is and not what you are making it "imply" in your heads. You know what they say? "Liberalism is a disease ladies!"
ReplyDeleteHave a great day!
As i girl is the reflection of her mother like son is the reflection of his father,..
ReplyDeleteFather and son relationship
Have to agree with this. A girl learns how to be a woman from her mother just like a boy learns to be a man from his father.
ReplyDeleteThis may have been stated but yes its true Women raise girls and Men raise boys, a Woman can't really raise a boy to be a man though she may try according to her standards. Then again look the prisons are filled with single mother raised boys with no fathers.........truth hurts, but there it is.
ReplyDeleteInteresting perspective. However, to deconstruct your hypothesis and that is what all that everyone's thoughts are until disproven. Quantify your analysis, state where your beliefs came from and remember correlation does not prove causation.
ReplyDeleteI would challenge you to quantify the information with real facts. Look at the world around you, what do you see? What is really happening? Many young men that come from intact families are struggling too.
The struggle to make decisions and where the decision-making process comes from has more to do with the cultural issues stemming from the fast-paced, modern world that we live in. To say that a single mother is the only agent of socialization for a son/daughter is a lie.
There are many agents of socialization and many of them give more harmful direction than what you posted that comes from a single mother. Just take a look at the media, what is posted on-line and you will soon learn where the young adults get their direction. Rather than adding fuel to the fire of young men finding their way, Try to post something that will heal their hearts and their thoughts!
It seems you yourself have a lot of unresolved inner conflict and hurt. I do feel awful for whatever your mother did to you. I grew up in two parent household with a drunk father with a mother and did all the work. Why is it that you see no wrongdoing by the father .Both sexes should be responsible when a child is born and no parent is perfect. We all do the best we can.All I see is you being hateful instead try to give positive suggestions since this seems to be such a issue for you . I am sorry you feel like you are not the man you should be . But get over it and assume responsibilities for your present choices and stop blaming . What would you suggest women do abandon their children when men leave or harass the man who wants nothing to do with their child. What is your idea of a bum or worthless man , there are plenty of men who are well off as per the norms of society yet want nothing to do with their son's. While I agree a single mother cannot be a father and should not try to convince herself of such . I think your article is pointless and based solely on your personal hurt . Instead focus on what good your mother
ReplyDeleteWow that is horrible remember your son is also a man, so what are you teaching him about himself. I understand you are hurt but let it go and blossom into the new stage in your life.
ReplyDeleteJESUS, this was good. Dont be scared to speak the truth. AMAZING WORK.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you have alot to talk about with your mother.
ReplyDeleteFrom,
A single mother of a boy - who relates to nothing in this article.
Single parents: a 50% increase at making a child feel imbalanced and unstable, especially if its a mother with a son or a father with a daughter.
ReplyDeleteWhat people should take away from this is don't become like your crazy parents and keeping the cycle going. Let it die out and make people safe and sane once again.
Hi, everyone ☺ I must say reading through some of these posts I see a lot of hurt /frustration/anger. And it's tough. If I had read this article five years ago I would have been very defensive of my own 'single motherhood '. And while I must say my 19 year old son (whom I had at age 19 and have raised on my own), is a very responsible, respectful, young man...I do see things I should have done diffrently. I look back and feel awful that he had to go without nice things his friends had because I had no education and had to slowly work my way up to a decent wage (FINALLY now I'm pretty comfortable due to a recent promotion at work but he's 19!).And I feel badly I didn't have much time to help him w homework so he struggled through school. And I think I did and still do things out if this guilt, like still cleaning up after him /cooking for him / loaning him gas money even though he has a decent job. He's a great kid but I'm afraid I've enabled him to stay a bit to reliant on me and he's struggling w making that leap into independent man-hood. I can't teach him that. But I meant well. I always believed if I didn't date ( his
ReplyDeleteWoops my rambling cut off haha. Anyway...not all single moms are there by picking bad men like I did...some have deceased husbands or they were married 10 years when the guy up and bolted. But that's my input as one of the ones that did and I own the fact that my son had some disadvantages because of me. He has never complained but I know it's true.
ReplyDelete@Shawn James: Your description of a single mother-son relationship is very much similar to the one a pen pal of mine, who's on death row in the USA, had with his own mother. As a woman who had an abusive mother I can relate to some extent only, enough to feel the deep pain, but for a male I know it's even worse because if a male is rejected for his sex by his own mother, it wounds him and disables him.
ReplyDeleteEverything you said, he has experienced it.
Ultimately the woman has the last word when the issue of having sex comes up. So to say "it's the woman who's left "holding the bag" to take care of the child" is short sighted.
Ya know, this is a very flawed assessment. I am a single mother, my children are grown now. Both my son and daughter finished high school. They have a relationship with their father now. I always always encouraged since the divorce, regardless of my feelings toward my X. My son has been gainfully employed since graduation, and is planing his next career move. It was difficult at times raising my son basically on my own. His father in and out of his life when ever it suited him. Still I always encouraged that relationship when ever he would make the time for his children, which happened to be when they were grown. It seems like you have seen a lot in your neighborhood..... I suggest you expand, its not all what you think it is.
ReplyDeleteDo you speak like you write?
ReplyDeleteWhat did your daddy do to you?
ReplyDeleteI don't suppose you've got any advice for single fathers with daughters, or daughters period for a future article?
ReplyDeleteMay be coming soon.
ReplyDeleteSo basically you've sighted every possible parenting failure and blamed it on single women!? Sounds like pure ignorance at its finest to me. Perhaps you should have named this article after the absent fathers???
ReplyDeleteThis is by far One of the Dumbest Piece Shit Articles I have Ever Read. I have never Seen so Many Ridiculous Generalizations, Categorizing Stereo Types ... Colllectively in One Place. Where are you Doing your Pussy Search, is my Question? Perhaps you need to Stay out of the Gutters and Alley Ways to Find a Woman. Pure Rubbish, is what this Shit Is.
ReplyDeleteI am entitled to an opinion albeit of relative value because I am neither black nor a single mother, so my experience in this subject is limited. But my angle is COMMON SENSE, which this article's author seems to have.
ReplyDeleteI can only add that in African society there is no such thing as a fatherless home, at least in the traditional sub Saharan (black) African society. The undermining of masculine presence and authority is particularly dangerous for the young black male in the USA, as we have witnessed.
As for "generalizations", that common accusation, they are necessary in social discourse and they are understood as having exceptions. Still, one can distinguish trends, so generalizations are not bad.
If anybody objects to the author's generalizations, then s/he should have arguments, such as, "I have seen many sons of single moms, and these boys do really well when... etc"
Keep writing. Let them eat cake!
ReplyDeleteThis article may not apply to all mothers, but it most definitely applies to my step-son's mother. The HIGH CONFLICT DIVOCE has cost so much more than just money it has cost us all years of our lives dealing with MOTHER keeping the boy away from his FATHER. This article hits strongly many of the problems we've dealt with & are still dealing with after 13+ years of post-divorce hardship. We pray there will be an end to this hell & that www.parentsusa.org will help.
ReplyDeleteI was raised by a single mother and I'm a woman. My temperament is just like my fathers. She hates my father so much that she hated me. She did not want me to be anything like him. Single mothers hurt their daughters too. If my father had raised me by himself, I would have been better off. To date I am still wounded by her choices. Do us all a favor and include girls. Boys are not the only ones that suffer at the hands of single mothers. Plus bare in mind that the single mother you describe is not the norm for everyone. My husband was raised by a single woman. His father died when he was young and she never remarried. He is a great man today. Let's focus on the negative ones and not include all.
ReplyDeleteA slightly different angle on this story – I was raised in a very stable two parent family mum and dad – mum and dad had two VERY different outlooks on the world – In short my mum ALWAYS went for safety and protection and dad (nearly) always went for adventure and exploration - for example if we were climbing a high tree mum would always say come down its not safe what if you fall etc etc then dad would come and say leave them let them climb they are boys they must explore – i got two very different world views from my two parents – I feel very very sorry for boys being raised by single mums who get only one world view (a feminine one)
ReplyDeletefather son quotes
ReplyDeletefathers day quotes from mother to son
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this.
ReplyDeleteSabotoging his relationships with women
ReplyDeleteSo very true. I had to break up with my partner. He is emotionally unavailable. His mothers other son was raised without a father from the very beginning and him as well. His mother made him buy a shared house where he had a mortgage for his share and tied economically as well as emotionally. So he has no money left to leave this house until he can pay off the mortgage. And has no benefit of this shared property until she dies. Our relationship screwed because of this dynamic. We cant start our life together because he and his mother are already like a married couple. Even have dogs they look after together like their child. It has to be taken much more serious while single mothers are praised and applaused in the society nowadays.
You sure that's his mother? You sure he's a man?
DeleteMeanwhile President Obama is the product of a single mother....oh okay..this sounds like the work of a broken man. Newsflash everyone is not the same. Maybe you all should focus more on not having babies out of wedlock..women can't impregnate themselves...smh
ReplyDeletePresident Obama is not the product of a single mother. Look, it's late 2016, and Obama has been in office for 8 years and you still spout that nonsense of him being raised by a single mother?
DeleteObama was raised by his mother, his grandmother, and his grandfather while first living in Hawaii. Barak spent more time with his grandparents due to his mother attempting to obtain her education. Then his mother Ann married a man from Indonesia which lead her moving her and Barak to Indonesia. At the age of 8, Ann brought Barak back to Hawaii to stay with his grandparents, she returned to Indonesia.
From the age of 8 till high school graduation, Barak was raised by his grandmother and grandfather.
So in all of that, when was Barak raised by a single mother?
So the author also posts as Anonymous? Good to know. You sir sound petty and bitter. Your generalizations are ignorant and disrespecful. I hope you never get another donation to continue spewing this hateful filth.
ReplyDeleteAnd the lies you tell?
Deleteman I love U! i just stumbled across this while trying to find some way to undo the harm done by his mom. we all live together but she sees someone else at her job. she will not discipline him at all and in fact spoils him to get him to stop doing something. because i hand out punishment i am the bad guy. hes 6 and I love him to death and try my hardest to do whats right for him. i paid all bills the first 3 years of his life allowing her to stay at home with him. now that i invested all my savings into a failed coffee shop and am out of work ive chosen to spend all my spare time and days without sleep learning social media marketing,seo,video creation/commercials, copywrite, e book creation, graphics and web design, etc.. this is not easy by any means and instead of support shes angry she now has to work while i do all the house chores and his lunches , dinners, homework, laundry, cat care, hamster care. nonstop work she wouldnt do if i was working while shes home n yet she resents me and defends him, not allowing me to punish . when shes gone hes an angel. we play, have fun, theres order. whenever shes around there is no respect for either of us. uncontrollable. now if i punish for this behavior he awakens every night and sneaks to pour salt or stevia, sand,etc. on my work computers and laptops and i ask her to help me and she sees the damage done to my stuff but will interogate me in front of him instead of bacjing me. acting as if im lying or doing something wrong. now he wont stop. i lock myself in my laundry room because if i dose off at night he will do it. he has power over me this way be ause its brought me to tears and she will not chgange. now his grades are slipping. hes angry in school with the principle calling daily. she refuses to change and would rather have pointless arguments in front of him. I feel she wants it bad to justify why hes having issues. to blame me so she can relocate with the new man shes having around him behind my back even though were apart. Im forced to watch him become broken and hate me. Its made me so depressed and want to end it all. my dad ended his life when I was 4. I know what it will do to hi m and hate the thoughts but im so lost and hurt and she blames me for it all because a dad should be at work and mom at home in her world. ive tried so many different things ive read. I try not to be angry but everything youve said is exactly what i tell her I will happen. still no care but to avoid, defend, plan exit strategy thinking she dan fix it away from me since im the cause of his negative actions towards me to begin with. I wish with all my heart I could undo it all and fix his pain.I feel he hates me
ReplyDeleteGeneralisations and more generalisations. I do remember a day when I realised my son was starting to be in need of a father specifically, an 'oh shit' moment, when after sixteen years of bringing him up by myself, he was getting close to leaving home age. Yes it is true, no mother can be a father. Not an ideal situation. Then again, just as much damage can sometimes be done by fathers who stick around, in the form of physical and mental abuse. Some women are men-haters, yes, as a result of bad relationships with ex partners and that hate is a waste of energy. But some men are woman-haters too, for similar reasons! (Oh but of course that's entirely our fault isn't it) Like I said, generalisations! If there is anything wrong with a single parent family it is that the parent has to do everything. It takes everything out of you. But it was the best part of my life and he has become a fine young man. And he doesn't hate anyone or have a chip on his shoulder. Some of the things you wrote were true, but most of it made me sit there reading it with my jaw dropped down to the floor going 'OMG is this guy serious'. Have a good life, hope you chill out a bit.
ReplyDeleteSomeone has mommy issues..,,,,,
ReplyDeleteSon of single mother here. Father died when I was 18. She made us believe he was the bad guy. In fact I use to say, "I don't need father" when I was a teen. Shockingly she had encouraged such behavior of mine. She always picked fight with him. Blamed him for petty things. Looked down upon him for not drinking, and when he got addicted to it, abused him of being a bad guy. She always tried to make things "perfect" and worry about how people would perceive her. She was a people pleaser. I grew up with so much anxiety and self-doubt. She fostered sexual guilt (I liked a girl for 7 years, and I felt immense guilt about "hurting" her and backed away from kissing her, despite my lips and hers being like around 1 inch apart). My mother spoke ill of that girl in every given opportunity. For a long time mom tried to guilt trip me and manipulating me whenever I exhibited any masculine behavior. It is quite uncommon for people in India to move out of parents house when living in same city. But I did it coz I couldn't put up with my mother. Right now I'm living in another country. She did everything in her power to sabotage me masculine traits. I called her few days back and abused her, confronted her about why she treated me in certain ways (like hitting me in public when i was 19!). She tried to guilt trip me, and that's when I exploded and called her a "pathetic headless-whore who treats her son like a dog/cat that would keep waving its tail as she keeps feeding it". I openly said she has no clue about raising males and she did a horrific job. After 1 week, she confessed her mistakes. I still don't trust her though, it could be another way to hook me up emotionally and prevent my growth. If she is THAT selfish in keeping her "pet human", she doesn't deserve one. If you are a single mother, the best thing you can do for your son is to bring back the dad (if possible) even if it means sucking his penis. In fact that is what every religion says. If not, then try to encourage his independence, *maybe* talking to other single mother who have faced abuses from their grown up sons could help. These things shouldn't happen to anyone. May god bless all.
ReplyDeleteThis was written by a man who wants to have his cake and eat it too. What is missing is the father's or mother's (who walk out too) being accountable for their actions. The struggle for sons is that the bad fathers or mothers got away with irresponsibility and the responsible parent gets no respect. Divorce for single parents means freedom. The other problem is predatory teachers, coaches and other adults who capitalize on the situation. No accountability from adults leads to children who grow up with the lack of respect of adults. No one is doing anything about sentencing child molestors. No one is doing anything about murderers of children. Bad teachers and coaches get to keep their jobs. Priests don't go to jail. Each case is different. Allowing a child to automatically maintain a relationship with a toxic parent is stupid. Did you read about the father who threw his daughter off a cliff to get out child support. This article is a personal opinion based on your situation - you cannot expect to generalize a case by case divorce
ReplyDeleteThis is actually a very nice article.
ReplyDeleteIgnore all the misandry and the bitter women here, they bring no argument beside "you have a small penis" or other pathetic stuff like that.
Of course, no one could relate 100% on every point, but i've got to say that many parts of your article, is what happened to me.
I was raised by a single mother who tried to teach me to hate men, to approach females as a female and basically destroyed every ambition or drive i had in life and physically abused me for little to no motive besides her feelings...
I will write it here, just because no human being will care:
I will be extremely happy when death will harvest my mother and i will fucking laugh on her grave.
Are you a good single mother? Just read this article as a memo, instead of getting emotional about it. Unless you want to risk a son that hates you once he becomes an adult.
Your choices, his life. Pretty simple.
This article is the best evidence as to why our black young boys are suffering--the propensity of weak arguments made by men blaming women... This is an over-simplistic failed attempt to address this issue with any level of maturity and serious intellect.
ReplyDeleteDid you read the article about Misandry?
DeleteThis is very true. Son of single mom here. Hell she'd take credit for all my achievements but problems are because of me or dad. She hates it when I talk to girls. 25 and still virgin. What a fucking cunt she was. I feel like any women doing this kind of things (and bribing the son with love/material prospects) simply doesn't deserve to have taken sperm. Cunts
ReplyDeleteThank you ! I needed this right now
ReplyDeleteHello Shawn James,
ReplyDeleteI agree with many of the points that you raised in your article. Whilst you made a few assumptions and generalisations, the premise of the article is correct.
As an 18 year old young man who has grown up in a single mother household, I feel very fortunate that I had a mother whom respected my father and was always civil towards him despite the fact that they separated when I was young. I have always seen my father regularly and he has always been a good,kind man. My mother is also a wonderful person like my father.
So I grew up in a very rare single mother household, with a mother who never nagged me, who never violated my personal boundaries, and who never yelled at me or spoke down to me.
I have a great amount of respect towards my parents and I feel so lucky to have had such a good mum and dad even though they separated when I was very young due to their relationship not working out.
Thank you for your article Shawn James, hopefully single mum's who read this can learn to be less overbearing towards their son and let him grow up and become his own man.
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI'm not black but feel this article is spot-on. I am early 40s now and see a lot of problems in my life were caused by such a single-mother parenting situation. I wish there was an article on how us sons of single moms could fix ourselves. There isn't much about how sons could fix themselves. In my case there is no dad due to longtime separation so its not like I can find him and learn. I would love to see something written up on how to fix oneself so us men who suffer the consequences of a such a bad family situation become good men.
Thank you for writing this.
R.C.
Jesus
DeleteMost single mothers are single mothers because their child's father is verbally and/or physically abusive or just completely useless and unhelpful. Stop blaming women and single mothers for these poor excuses for fathers. Most women want a family with a husband and father for their child but society has made monsters of men by sexually objectifying and exploiting women in the media and glorifying violence toward them. Most pornography displays the abuse of women and has been the downfall of society.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say the stuff in this article applies to me, but it doesn't on so many levels. I was married 2x's. My oldest son never knew his Dad, because he was in a motorcycle accident. My husband’s family took over his care, and we only visited him. But he didn't remember us. A 5 years later I met my 2nd husband. We were married 10yrs and had a son. I have 2 brothers and a father all of whom were in the military. No saps here. My 2nd husband was in the military. When my 2nd husband and I got a divorce it was because he did whore around. I just didn’t know it till I got a STD from him. Nonetheless. He denied his son was his son. This coming from a man who whored around. I raised my 2 sons the same with my brothers and Dad around giving them guidance. WE never spoke of their fathers to either boy. We felt it was best, since neither father visited their perspective son. When they graduated from HS I told them each-if you want to know your father –here is his address-go by yourself and visit and ask any question you want. I know I was a good wife and mother and had nothing to hide from my sons. Neither took me up on the offer. Yet, both joined the military: oldest son went AWOL and was kicked out because he met some girl he liked more. My youngest son joined the military and before he got thru basic training he told his Commander he was Gay. And they kicked him out with his friend. Neither of course were Gay! Over the years as single parent-I saw my oldest son less and less, he was nothing but trouble and I didn't want him around influencing my youngest son. But as time went by, he started to hang out with some really unsavory friends. I didn’t want him around. My youngest son wanted to move back in with me, but I didn’t like the idea at all. He promised to get a job and help pay the monthly expenses. I let him move back in. He had a few girlfriends over the years. I didn’t really know any of them, he went out with them, but only brought 3 around for a visit. But none that wanted to stay with him. I saw he was becoming very feminine in his ways. But I did not say anything. In the last 10yrs, he has decided to be verbally abusive toward me-telling me he doesn't have male role models, and never got a chance to date enough girls. That threw me! I thought he was on drugs because he somehow made up a past that did not exist. Well, in the past 5-6yrs I found female clothes in his closet. I was once again-confused and confronted him. WTF is going on with you? This was freakish by anyone’s standards. He got drunk several times and called relatives saying he wanted to be a girl. EVERYONE backed off, my family will not have a thing to do with either of us. I have asked him to get his own place, I can't be around him knowing this about him, and destroying my clothes then lying and saying he doesn't wear mine he buys his own. Yeah some of the time. All his late night staying up till I go asleep –then I hear someone walking about, and waking me up. It’s him! And now I have to lock up my clothes to keep him out of them. I can’t show him interest or love anymore. I have shut down inside. I’m broken. Plus, he stopped being loving and caring toward me about 10yrs ago. I don't know what flipped the switch in his head, but I can tell he hates me. The way he acts, the way he talks, the total lack of any empathy even when I get real sick. My oldest son reached out after years of no communication and wanted him and me to reconnect as he said. I find it hard to do that also because we have no shared memories for the past 25 years. I'm stuck. But I know when someone hates me. I can't talk to anyone about either son... What’s there to say, but NEGATIVE stuff? If someone could tell me what to do, I'm at the end of my life, I'm a senior and I don't need this. It would be real hard for me to be on my own with a fixed income w/o going on welfare now.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite comments on this article are the neurotic moral preening about generalizing all single mothers. The message they send: single mothers permanently crushing the souls of their sons is A-Okay! As long as we don't criticize them for it.
ReplyDeleteWow so many true statements! I am married and have a pretty good relationship, but the Lord was telling me that the kids are loyal to their father and that God has put him in authority over their lives. So if I'm not respecting my husband, I'm living like a single mother. So I can roll with it and be respectful toward him or fight it and confuse and stifle my kids. I cannot deny that my own dad has a special place in my heart, as does my mom, but a very different one! He provided the stability in our house. My mom was more of a nurturer/encourager. Thank you for the insight.
ReplyDeleteI don't drop a comment, but I browsed some of the remarks
ReplyDeletehere "Ways Single Mothers Destroy Their Sons". I do have
a few questions for you if you do not mind.
Could it be just me or does itt ppear like a few of the remarks look like they are coming from brain dead individuals?
:-P And, iff you are posting at other online social sites, I would
like to follow you. Could you post a list of alll of all your social
networking pages like your Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?
Stupid post. I raised my son alone because his father walked out after he was born (and, he has done similar hateful things to other families, in case you're wondering who was 'at fault' here.) My son married his school sweetheart last weekend after 5 years together. It's the best relationship I've seen. I think it's men who ruin their sons.
ReplyDeleteYou chose the father though. You still find a way to avoid responsibility, instead you put it all on the obviously bad father. Unbelievable.
DeleteWhat a poorly written piece of crap. Generalization much?
ReplyDeleteI bet you’d sing a different tune if it we’re single fathers and daughters - probably still put a misogynistic spin on it.
Im a single mother because my ex husband wasn’t man enough to step up. I tired and pleaded and nothing work. I have a happy child. Doing well in school with no issues. Hoping it stays this way.
But based on your attitude, my child is doomed because his father CHOSE to not be a father. I guess it would have been better to stay with the father and let my son see and hear things no child should encounter at such a young age? Grow up buddy. The world is bigger than your narrow minded POV
...Another Buthurt single mom who JUST CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
DeleteSingle mothers that use their son's for their social life destroy families. I'm a woman, my husband up and left me for no reason other than to go back to being his single mom's little bitch while she constantly called our home for our entire marriage, got upset when we went on our honey moon without her, she thought she was my husband's wife, she was a psycho, who expected her son to meet all her emotional needs instead of getting off her ass and building a life for herself. She was a neglectful mother when my husband was young, used his father to raise him and left him when my husband was old enough to play her husband. She constantly would call with some ridiculous made up illness that she was dying so we had to drop everything to tend to her, she used guilt and manipulation constantly to control my husband, she played the perpetual victim in her life, damn idiot lived on and on. I left that crazy family thank god, but my happiest day was hearing the news she finally died of just natural old age at 92, that is a long life for a women who was supposedly dying for 70 years. There are wonderful single mom's out there, for all you horrible single mothers that do this to your son's, I hope they keep all women on birth control until they can pass mental health checks. I agree that all the single women on here commenting all mad, ya the truth hurts ladies. Get a life leave your son's alone. My ex is now single, grossly overweight a hoarder like his mother. Ya his mom did a fantastic job raising him, he's all alone bitter angry, negative complains non stop. You raised a good one lady! She of course bad mouthed his father all the time. It is a form of severe child abuse.
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I had the white version of this. Hated men so bad I was a diagnosed transgender at 7 years old, and that was 30 years ago. WAY before it was cool. Took another 16 years away from her and a lot of trying to straighten out enough that I stopped wearing makeup and liked being a dude.
ReplyDeleteMany self identifying black and white women perpetrate many of those actions you stated in your article around children in general, whether they are single mothers, married, school teachers, after care workers, etc. These women which I am identifying tend to be liberal or otherwise of loose morality. They may also register for various personality orders on the DSM. But otherwise you know them by their nature, subversive, manipulative, lying, extremely ego-centric, always the victim.
ReplyDeleteOf course not all, but just the ones who exhibit said behaviors. You will also note that these type of women, hate other woman who live just and righteous lives and will persecute them in covert ways.
A woman can be married and still harm the men in her life.
ReplyDeleteMy mother literally drove my father insane. Three brothers have substance addiction issues with one dying from his. Another brother has spent time in Federal prison for fraud and embezzlement.
My two sisters have each abused a husband to the point of insanity.
I had to go through hell to get a grip on my issues, and after 30 years of recovery I still find new things to work on.
It just doesn't end.
Thanks Shawn, helped me a lot. I'm a handsome son of a single mother but I've been single for 20 years because I just don't know how to relate to women, even though they throw themselves at me sometimes.
ReplyDelete