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Monday, April 22, 2013

Marvel's Infinity Gauntlet isn't a cosmic Saga.. It's just the the Story of a SIMP


I was looking through my old comics a few months ago when I found my Trade paperback of The Infinity Gauntlet from 1992 or so. Back when I was in high school, The Infinity Gauntlet was considered one of the defining moments of the Marvel Universe. A saga to end all sagas. A story every comic fan had to read and think was great.

I wasn’t impressed in 1992.

After reading it again 22 years later, I’ll have to say The Infinity Gauntlet was one of the most overrated stories in comic book history. In fact, I’ll have to say it sucks just as hard as Transformers: The Movie did in 1986. All hype, all flash, and absolutely no substance.

Everyone wants to point out how much of a bad ass Thanos was. But I’m gonna have to go on record as saying Thanos was one of the biggest SIMPS in comic book history.

Some will say Thanos was a mad god. A man obsessed with death. All I saw was a super powered pussy beggar in between the pages of the Infinity Gauntlet. A big purple SIMP.

Here we have someone with incredible power who goes on a quest to get the power of a god and what does he try to do?

Impress a female.

*FACEPALM*

Yes, Thanos wants the power of a god so he can impress Lady Death. The first three issues are just him pussy begging. Like the Simp with the brand new shiny car and a boomin sound system he bought after saving up from his two summer jobs delivering pizzas, he thinks his brand new Infinity Gauntlet will finally get the attention of his dream girl. Yeah, there are subplots about the return of his nemesis Adam Warlock and the destruction, death and carnage on Earth in this six-issue miniseries, but the core of the story is just a big purple BITCH pussy begging a female for a chance to get under her long black robe. There are so many violations of the player rules in this story it’s just not funny.

Thanos kills half of the universe to impress her, does battle with Earth’s mightiest surviving heroes, kills all of them (the entire story crumbles to dust after issue #4) and then goes on to fight cosmic entities like Galactus and Mephisto, beats them with ease and then gets turned on by…

Lady Death.

Yep, for all his efforts all Thanos gets is PLAYED.

Yep, Thanos was the COSMIC SIMP OF THE MARVEL UNIVERSE. THE PUSSY BEGGAR TO END ALL PUSSY BEGGARS.

What’s even crazier is that not only was he going to all these lengths to impress a woman, but he was going to give her something she ALREADY HAD. Every living thing in the universe including Thanos had to die, so his attempts to impress Death were completely and utterly SILLY.

Like most of the “Nice Guys” in real life who make all those efforts to win over females, Thanos wasn’t thinking clearly. He had such tunnel vision that he couldn’t see that none of his efforts were going to work in getting Death to like him.

I wonder if he ever heard of the Earth phrase “Charge her to the game and keep it moving.”

I’m gonna have to say Thanos was one of the biggest suckers in comic book history. Totally overrated. For all his cosmic power and incredible genius he was just a Bitch-Made™ chump with NO GAME. If anything he needed to learn some macking skills from his brother Starfox. Now that cat was a true player. He scored more pussy in the Marvel Universe than any other comic book character.

The only thing I learned from reading the Infinity Gauntlet is to NEVER try to impress a woman, something I learned in real life three years before. Why? Because all a man is doing when he tries to impress a female is giving all of his power away.

Everything Thanos did to impress Death gave her more and more leverage in the relationship. And she took that leverage and beat him over the head like a bludgeon.

For all his brilliance, cosmic power and tactical strategy, Thanos needed to learn about the power of indifference. If a man doesn’t care (and I mean from his heart just doesn’t give a shit, not pretend not to care) Women will respect him. And that will give him leverage in the relationship. She will chase after HIM, instead of him pursuing HER. Which will make him the leader of the relationship instead of the one being led.

The greatest mistake Thanos made wasn’t it was being led by a female. Moreover it was chasing after a female. Even though he had the Infinity Gauntlet and limitless power, he had no power over himself. And that’s the main reason why he got his ass kicked by both by Lady Death and emasculated by his granddaughter Nebula. She seized power when Thanos had defeated Eternity and achieved complete power over the universe. By taking the Infinity Gauntlet off his lifeless corporeal form she totally clowned his Simp ass.

As a comic book saga, Infinity Gauntlet is overrated. Not even in the league of the Korvac Saga. Now the Korvac Saga was how a Real Man handled a master plan to take over the universe.

If you ask me, Korvac was a true badass. He wanted to bring peace to the universe. The Avengers and the Guardians of the Galaxy were so scared of him they got on a bus went to his house in Queens to kill him in the middle of the day.

With his cosmic powers he pretty much murdered everyone outside of a handful of heroes.

Plus he had his woman in check. And when he sacrificed his life she started laying whoop ass on the surviving heroes. Now that was a soldier.

Eventually she woke up and realized what her man had done and went to join him in “death” Again, a true soldier. She even restored the dead heroes back to life as a parting gesture.

But when he saw how people across the galaxy weren’t interested in his “paradise” he allowed the heroes to think they “killed him”. The reason I say Korvac allowed the heroes to think they killed him, is he always held all the cards. He could have killed everyone with a thought and kept it permanent. But to protect their fragile egos, he allowed them to think they had won. One of the truest testaments to character and manhood I had ever read about in a comic.

I’d have to say Korvac didn’t die, he just gave up because he realized he couldn’t win. He understood he couldn’t impose peace on a chaotic universe that didn’t want it.

For all the super-powered brawling, battling and carnage, Korvac always kept his personal power. And he never lost his position as a man. He saw something wasn’t working and moved on. That’s what Real Men do.

Korvac charged the entire MARVEL UNIVERSE to the game and kept it moving. You gotta respect him for that.

Korvac came into the Marvel Universe on his own terms and he left on his own terms. He never lost control. He never lost his position. It was the heroes who lost control of themselves coming after him.

At the end of the day, Korvac was a PIMP and Thanos was a SIMP. There’s a clear difference between the two, and when one reads the Infinity Gauntlet and Avengers: The Korvac Saga they’ll see it clearly.

5 comments:

  1. Haha. I remember The Korvac Saga well from my childhood back in NY. Arguably one of the greatest story arcs in comic books till this day. Michael was indeed a pure badass. Yeah, in hindsight, Thanos was simpin' pretty hard. Lol

    Thanks for that memory, Shawn.

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  2. I somewhat have to agree. I was originally impressed with the Infinity Gauntlet, but recently when (after several years) I re-read it, I was generally bored with it. It was a whole bunch of heroes getting their tails kicked in a useless quest, Adam Warlock playing ego-trip and standing around doing a lotta waiting for the right moment to finally do... what was it again that won the day? Never really explained. And while I appreciated Thanos wising up at the end and realizing that the quest for power is a dead-end street, all in all the series was somewhat unsatisfying. Not the materpiece I remembered it being-- likely because I'm no longer a teenager and demand a bit more from my literature these days.

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  3. For a guy with a name like a vacuum, Korvac did pretty well with his own goals (though it was a hiccup with one of his prevention methods that started his endgame). As for Thanos, most of his problems are self-inflicted, in particular when he goes after cosmic mcguffins is when his troubles really start.

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  4. I was never impressed with the Infinity Gauntlet, either. Not only that, but the Infinity Gauntlet is a rehash of an earlier story where Thanos gets a hold of a cosmic cube, and Captain Marvel along with a handful of heroes have to stop him. That cosmic cube story was collected in the Life and Death of Captain Marvel if anyone is interested. The Korvac saga was excellent. Even the 22 minute version on the Avengers cartoon was pretty good.

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  5. Here's a couple marks against Korvac from another blog:

    "-The Collector's daughter being sent to spy on, pretend to love and eventually betray Korvac, who had the power of a god? Lame... Lamer still, the fact that she wound up really falling in love with him! That is SO clichéd!"

    "-So Korvac winds up dying because his wife wasn't totally devoted to him?! Really?! And then his wife kills HERSELF because Korvac was gone?! GAH!"

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