As
an education professional who works in an urban area, I am extremely alarmed by
what’s happening to our nation’s children. Children today are not being raised
at all. With each passing day, I see parents abdicating ever more authority and
control of their children to the State and to the media. No matter how much support is provided to
help them with their children, they always seem to need more. They want
Hollywood producers and TV producers to be responsible for their children’s morality.
They constantly opine about how TV shows and movies need to be more child
friendly because they don’t know how to say no to their children and turn the
TV off. They want their children to spend more time at school as they clamor
for more before school and afterschool programs. I even recently heard one of the NYC mayoral candidates speak
about how she wanted to have schools open from 7:00 in the morning until 7:00pm
at night! When I heard that I couldn’t help think, “In a generation or so we’ll
have state sponsored boarding schools for children from birth to 21! That way
if raising kids is too much of a hassle, you could just give birth, send your
child straight to the school and just visit when you felt like it.” After all,
nothing should get in the way of working or anything else you want to do for
that matter.
When the children are not at
school, these so called “parents” rely on some electronic babysitter to deal
with their kids (i.e. video games, smart phones, computers, ipad, television).
Whenever you ask such parents to do the simplest things for their children (who
are supposed to mean so much to them), there’s always some excuse or reason why
they can’t. They can’t help them with their homework, or come to school
functions, can’t pick them up when they’re sick, etc. It seems the only thing
they can do for them is provide a shelter and maybe one meal a day (most often
something unhealthy from a fast food restaurant or from a can). They don’t
discipline either. It seems they don’t have the patience or time for it any
more. Most times parents are asking teachers how they should handle discipline
if they aren’t asking the teacher to do it for them. The most these parents are
willing to do is give the children whatever they want and tell them they’re
wonderful (but don’t mean it). It’s to the point where I don’t think we should
call people who have children “parents” anymore. Instead we should call them
“the child’s adult roommates.”
In the wake of this non-parenting epidemic, our children are suffering
beyond belief. Since most parents
don’t spend enough quality time with their children, they are not getting the
validation and emotional security that allows them to be independent. The
result is a bunch of emotionally needy children who will do anything to get
attention. This is why there are so many behavior problems in the schools. I
will tell you without a doubt most of the children I have worked with who have
behavior problems have said from their own mouths that their parents have
little time for them. When these parents do spend time with them they are tired
and frustrated and take this out on the child. This makes the child even more
insecure because the parent is unpredictable as well as unreliable. This
insecurity makes them the perfect target for pedophiles and internet perverts
who are seeking just such children as their victims.
Another result of absentee parenting is that our children lack basic
skills and common sense. I have seen children as old as 9 who don’t know their
own address or phone number, can’t tie their own shoes, distinguish their left
hand from their right hand, or follow a set of simple instructions. There are
junior high school students who have absolutely no table manners whatsoever.
When they get up from a cafeteria table it looks like a group of toddlers has
eaten there. There are high school students who don’t know how much change
they’re supposed to get back when they buy something from the store. They will
stand in front of a store for hours waiting for it to open, before reading the
hours of operation sign and realize that the store is closed for the day. These
aren’t developmentally disabled children. These are “normal” children, who just
aren’t being taught anything. You can’t take for granted that something is “common
sense” anymore. These kids just don’t have much adult guidance in their
formative years to help them understand the world and their place in it. Many
times when I’m traveling about town, I see children sitting beside their mother
on a bus or a train and I hear the child saying the most outrageous things (ex.
“You can kill people and they’ll come back, right?”). Does the mother bother to
correct or explain anything to them? No. She’s too busy arguing with someone on
the cell phone or ogling some electronic device. Then if the child gets too
loud, she takes out some kind of electronic device and gives it to the child to
‘shut him/her up’.
The worst result of the non-parenting that’s going on is the half-baked
discipline being used, which is resulting in a bunch of spoiled, narcissistic
individuals who have a hard time establishing and maintaining relationships
with others. Our children have no empathy for others and have difficulty seeing
things from any perspective but their own. They feel they should be treated
well no matter how poorly they treat others. They are unwilling to compromise
and believe that every environment they enter needs to become tailored to their
unique tastes and preferences. They don’t value contributions of people of
other cultures and are xenophobic to a fault. As a result children make more ‘frenemies’
than real friends. Kids just use each other to have access to ‘cool stuff’ and
social clout. Bullying in schools has reached cruel and unusual proportions to
the point where children are murdering and even mass murdering other children.
In other cases some children provoke others to suicide. Even the
boyfriend/girlfriend relationships of the teens are marked with more violence
and sexual exploitation than in the past. I’ve even heard young girls remark
casually about the presence of violence in romantic relationships as if
violence in relationships is totally normal. I thought these adult roommates
were trying to give their kids self-esteem. It looks like the opposite has
happened.
The self-esteem cult has managed to create children with a very flimsy
sense of self. Too many adult roommates don’t praise their kids enough, while
the other half engage in giving phony praise. This phony praise just sets up
the child for ruin when they encounter the real world and have to endure
constructive criticism. Most of the time when our children hit the real world
at 21 or 22, their first encounter with the real world will crush their spirit
and make them feel useless and helpless or they will become that bitter person
that thinks everyone is ‘jealous’ of them. The phony praise makes them think
everything in life is or should be easy. They never learn the satisfaction that
comes from persevering through difficulty to accomplish something. They never
learn to earn anything. Instead they think accolades and awards should be given
to them simply because they want it. After a while they believe everything is
“owed” to them. It is the beginning of the entitlement mentality. They have
absolutely no morals, nor any distinction between right and wrong. For them
right is whatever they want and wrong is whatever is thwarting the fulfillment
of their desire. They become adults who are either all ego or id with no
superego to check them or make them consider how their actions affect others. If
we don’t stop what we are doing to our children the results are going to be
beyond scary.
Part of changing things lies in changing our perception of parenting. We
used to take parenting seriously as a nation. Somewhere as early as the 1920’s
there were a bunch of women’s lib groups that were shouting a lot of garbage
about how raising children was “unfulfilling.” It was grunt work that wasn’t
worthy of real women. It was supposedly a waste of their faculties. After all,
men didn’t have to worry themselves with such non-sense. (Which was a lie:
before industrialization, men had a significant role in families). Real women
should be competing with men in the workforce and actualizing their potential.
On the other hand, any idiot could raise a child. The self-centered, rich, and
pampered women who were spouting this nonsense had a condescending attitude
toward childrearing because they never actually raised a child. Their nannies
and housekeepers took care of that for them. If they felt bored, it was because
of the choice they made not to do anything to contribute to their own home. If
you talk to any middle or working class woman during this time, you would have
gotten a different story. Eventually, regular working class women started
drinking the poisoned kool-aid from these harpies and started getting the
‘desperate housewife syndrome’. They felt bored and wanted to get out of the
house to work 12 hours a day for some corporate tycoon. With the advent of
industrialization in the mid to late 1850’s, families had already lost fathers
to the workplace and then by the 1970’s the mother would follow behind. No one
wondered who would raise the children. Why? Because we had convinced ourselves
that childrearing was like painting by the numbers: no real effort needed.
Most people you talk to want to thump their chest about how they are
“super-mom” or “super-dad.” Sure they get them up in the morning and make sure
the kids get dressed and ready for school. Then they make sure someone picks
them up from school. There’s the call home to make sure everyone’s there and in
one piece. Then they come home from work and check the backpacks for notes,
sign the trip slips, sign the homework and look in on the kids before bedtime.
They ask a few superficial questions and half-listen to the responses. Then
they send everyone to bed and check off the parenting tab on their ‘to do list’
for the day. On the weekends they may take the kids out shopping or something,
multi-tasking at the same time. At the end of the day the super-parent checks
off another parenting box on their things to do. Then they pat themselves on
the back and think they’ve done something. Meanwhile, the 7 year old is being
bullied but is afraid to tell anyone. The 15 year-old daughter is sneaking off
with a friend to get a pregnancy test and the 17 year old son has a stash of
marijuana and 35 caliber hand gun under the bed. The super-parent doesn’t
realize all they’ve been doing is the bare minimum, which is less than a cat
would do for a kitten. We need to wake up!
Raising children is one of the
most important things a person can do. It is more important than creating
the i-pad, or other useless device that only serves to entertain and promote
anti-social attitudes. Raising children is more important than sending someone
to the moon or creating the light bulb. Why? Because all of the great people
who did these things had parents. As a parent you are helping to shape the
future. Parents are the ones who are supposed to instill moral values, pass
down tradition and history, and yes, even teach. As the Parent, only you have
the understanding, wisdom, expertise and experience to do this, NOT THE CHILD! The
Bible says, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he
will not depart from it (Proverbs, 22:6). This is the parent’s responsibility,
not the school and certainly not Hollywood or Madison Avenue. Why aren’t we
sharing this with our children? Why are we allowing them to raise themselves?
We do so because we are being guilted by the media into doing so.
The media is always out there telling parents that they shouldn’t parent.
They label good parents who look out for their children’s interests “helicopter
parents” or “tiger moms,” based on a few people that go to extremes. They will
tell you that you need to give your children space. If you try to monitor your
child’s behavior, they’ll tell you that you’re invading your child’s privacy.
If you try to establish mores and traditions, you’ll be told that you’re not
allowing your child room to “find out who they are.” If you discipline your
children, you’ll be told that you’re hurting their self-esteem. The media does this because they want to be
the ones that teach your children. They want to teach your children to buy and
be loyal to their products. If you spend time with your kids and teach them
your family recipes, your kid may not want that cheeseburger from the fast food
place. If you teach your daughter what it means to be a young lady, some
company may not be able to sell her their new lip gloss, or those jeans worn by
some questionable celebrity. If your son finds satisfaction in Christ and not
in worldly things, they can’t sell him the new sneakers or the new techno
gadget.
Don’t let the media teach your children. It is their goal to create
consumer drones that will feed the corporate machine and make the rich richer. Bring
the family back. This is what children need. They need a mother and a father.
They need to be connected to caring adults in their nuclear and extended family
that will provide unconditional love, support, and discipline. They need time
with you to really engage in a conversation and talk about their feelings and
what’s going on with them. Despite that fact that many might disagree, I feel
they also need to be brought up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. They
need to be your priority and not relegated to the sidelines.
Try to live on less or below your
means. The main reason why so many parents neglect their children is
because they are trying to live out the lavish lifestyles they see in the
media. They believe that having lots of material things is the key to their
happiness and happiness for their children. I was watching a popular talk show
one day and the topic was about children who were from homes of “superparents”
who worked long hours to afford the lavish life style. The host asked the
children if they would forgo the lifestyle to spend time with their parents. All of the children said they would
rather be with their parents than have the material things. ALL OF THEM! As I
stated in an earlier blog, children don’t need the latest sneakers. They need
their moms and dads. Living below your means will allow you to spend more time
with your children. Then maybe mom or dad can stay home and really care for the
kids. Living on less shows your children how to be frugal and how to
differentiate wants from needs. It also teaches them they don’t need to listen
to the Madison Avenue machine, which tries to get us to spend ourselves into
debt. Think about it. Do you
really need a large flat screen TV in every room? Do you really need three
cars? Do you really need twenty pairs of shoes? Who are we trying to impress
with all the finery? Does it mean anything in the final analysis? It won’t make
you happy. Just ask some of these celebrities whose lives are spinning out of
control.
Tune into your kids. Now I
don’t mean you have to hover over them every minute of the day, however, they
should know that you’ll be there if they need you. They shouldn’t have to
compete with your job or anything else out there. Put the gadgets away when you
spend time with them. Engage in real activities with them. Don’t be afraid to
have fun and share your old memories and listen to what they are going through
in the present. Really learn about them. Find out what their favorite color is,
what kind of music they like, and all the different things that interest them.
Help them explore their interests and share it with them. In the same way share
your interest with them. Make a decision to have dinner as a family every night
and special Sunday dinners. This will help you to bond with your child, which
will in turn help them to open up to you.
Discipline your children. A
lot of parents give their children everything they want and let them do what
they want because it makes them feel less guilty about not spending time with
their child. A lot of people do it because it’s easier than having to deal with
a temper tantrum or teenaged attitude. Others do it because spending money and
seeing the children smile for that moment makes them feel like more of a
parent. These are short-term rewards that have long-term consequences. Children
need discipline and guidance that is clear and consistent. Discipline makes
them feel cared for and secure. Remember your children are too young and
inexperienced to be making certain decisions for themselves without any
guidance. It’s overwhelming for adults to face life head on, so it’s not fair
to throw a child out there on their own.
Teach your children. You are
your child’s first teacher. You need to be providing the moral center for your
child, which, in my humble opinion, should be rooted in biblical values. They
need to learn culture, mores, traditions and history from you. This is important so that when they go
to school or elsewhere and encounter dubious people bent on indoctrinating them
to a specific worldview, they will have something to reference. There are many
people who are out there who know how naïve and impressionable young people can
be and are determined to use them for diabolical purposes. It is your job as a
parent to protect them from such.
Overall, parenting is an important job. It’s even more important than the
President’s gig. In fact, I’d say the President can’t do his job well if
parents don’t do theirs. It is not easy by any means. You can’t get it done in a few minutes a day. It takes a lot
of time and investment both physical and emotional. Children are people who
need love, discipline, and guidance. They are not toys that you can put down
when you get tired of playing with them. They are not trophies that you put in
a case to show your friends when they come over, nor are they wish fulfillment
tools that you can live through vicariously. They are not glorified science
projects or a way to get easy money (i.e. welfare, tax rebates, SSI
compensation). If you can’t or don’t want to do the work required, please do us
all a favor and have yourself fixed. As an education professional my heart
breaks every day as I have to witness countless numbers of children who come
into this world unwanted and uncared for. Lot’s of people decide to have
children for dubious reasons, but the only reason to have a child is to give of
yourself to another. If you’re deciding whether or not to have a child and all
you can think about is what’s in it for you, I think you should opt out. Like
I’ve said before, children don’t ask to come here. If you bring them here, you owe them a decent life. Peace.
Lawrence Cherry is the author of The Christian Fiction novels Commencement and School of Hard Knocks: The Re-Education of Jim Reid If you liked this blog, please show him some love by buying his books!
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