Statistics stated on talk shows such as The Oprah Winfrey show and news programs such as Nightline state that seventy (70) percent of Black women are single. And in on shows like this we see scores of Black women from all classes of life making statements such as:
“I can’t get a man.”
“Where are the good Black men?”
“Ain’t no good brothers out here”
Why are all these Black women single? Why can’t they find single Black men to get married to?
According to the mainstream media for the past twenty years there has allegedly been a shortage of educated professional Black men in the community. The way the media and single Black women have been telling it in news stories, a majority of single Black men in the community are unemployed, drug addicted, in prison, and uneducated. Not father material or husband material.
Other single Black men are alleged to be pursuing romantic relationships with women of other races. Or they’re homosexual and pursuing relationships with other Black men. Unavailable for a relationship with Black women.
However, this is not the case. Nor was it ever the case.
The truth is there is a large pool of single, eligible, educated professional Black men who want to have relationships with Black women and marry Black women. There has always been a large pool of single eligible Black men available to Black women.
Unfortunately most Black women can’t see those brothers. Thanks to the way they’ve been socialized, a majority of Black women today have learned a series of approaches to life over the last 40 years that prevents them from having a successful relationship with any Black man.
Over the last two generations this paradigm of behavior has become a system of values that has been passed down from generation to generation of Black women leaving their daughters and granddaughters just as miserable as their mothers and grandmothers and in some cases their great-grandmothers. If Black women take a closer look through their family histories at their mothers, aunts, grandmothers and even their great-grandmothers, they’ll oftentimes see the same pattern of multiple failed relationships, broken homes, illegitimate children and women sitting in apartments single, bitter and alone in their old age.
Can a Black woman break free of this vicious cycle today? Yes, she can! All she has to do is take a long hard look at herself and her approaches to life and why they don’t work. Once a Black woman realizes how self-destructive her behaviors are she can finally start moving forward and having great relationships with great Black men.
The Paradigm of failure
A majority of Black women today often wonder what’s keeping them single. Some say it’s her attitude. Others say it’s her behavior. A few believe that today’s Black man just can’t handle a “Strong independent Black woman.”
All of those are just symptoms of the problem.
What’s really keeping seventy percent of Black women single is the fact that they’re unconsciously following a dysfunctional life paradigm over the last 40 years. A life paradigm that’s been passed down from one generation of Black women to the next.
This model for behavior taught to them by their single mothers, aunts, sisters and in some cases their grandmothers has proven a failure for each generation of woman that has applied it to relationships with the men in their lives. And unfortunately, instead of Black women learning from the mistakes their mothers and in some cases their grandmothers made in their relationships with Black men, they continue to apply more of the same failed approaches not understanding doing more of the exact same things does not yield a different result.
How does this paradigm turn into a vicious cycle?
ACT I begins with the way Black women are taught to think about Black men. Black single mothers teach their daughters negative ideas about Black men and about having relationships with Black men based on their past negative experiences. In these single parent homes Black girls learn from their mothers that:
· Their fathers are “no good”
· Black men are “evil”
· Black men have no value as human beings,
· “Good” Black men are made for them,
· “Good” Black men are made to serve them,
· “Good” Black men are supposed to fit into their lifestyle,
· “Good” Black men are supposed to follow their lead,
· “Good” Black Men are supposed to submit to their will and do whatever they say.
At the end of Act I, girls from single mother households grow up to become adolescents who go out searching for a “good” Black man.
However, their definition of “good” is not a man of strong moral character and moral conviction. Who is “good” for the single Black woman from a single mother household is a Black man who will submit to their leadership and do things on their terms.
ACT II begins during the adolescent stage and ends in the first years of adulthood.
In this stage Black women look for relationships with “good” Black men. Again the definition of “good” for the single Black woman is who is “good” for them. Men who will allow them to take the lead of a relationship and allow them to have power and control over them.
To this end, Black women seek out Black males from their communities who actually are lost, broken and disconnected due to the fact that they grew up in households with single mothers like they did. Males such as players, thugs, drug dealers, and ex-convicts. Males who appear strong on the outside, but are weak on the inside due to the fact that they never had relationships with their fathers. Males who single Black women can easily leverage control over in a relationship. Men who are “good” for them. Ironically, these are men just like the “no good” fathers their mothers told them about.
Act II ends with the Black woman forming a plan to turn the broken, lost and dysfunctional Black male she involves herself in her community into the idealized image of a “good” Black man. However, her idea of a “good” Black man is a man who is good for her. A man who will submit to her leadership. A man who will do what she wants on her terms. A man who will allow her to maintain the economic power given to her by White Supremacists.
ACT III usually begins with the Black woman’s plans to “change” these dysfunctional Black male from a single mother household she involves herself with into her idealized “perfect” man, a Black man who meets the White Supremacist standard of “success”. But “success” does not mean job, money or education. “Success” under the White Supremacist standard means a Black man who allows himself to be placed in a submissive role beneath the Black woman.
During this phase the Single Black woman:
· Moves the man into her home,
· Buys the man lots of material possessions,
· Uses possessions and sex as a way to maintain power and control over the man,
· Makes unrealistic long-term plans for a relationship with him,
· Does not ask the man’s input or talks to him about his plans for the future,
· Insists on making the man do things her way,
· Attempts to make a man submit to manhood under her terms,
· And tries to control the relationship.
It’s during this phase in the relationship that the single Black woman is met with resistance. Because God established the man as the leader, the Black males’ innate nature will tell him something is wrong with the relationship he is having with this woman. He will resist her attempts to make her into this emasculated image of manhood because he understands that he is actually supposed to be the leader and not the one being led.
At the climax of the paradigm of failure, many Black men realize that the natural order of God is out of place. At this point they will try to correct things by:
Taking passive resistance. Males who feel frustrated about not being able to take the leadership role God established for men will express their contempt for the woman who is subjugating him in a passive-aggressive way. To show the Black woman that she is not his leader he will find other females to pursue behind her back. If these women allow him to take the leadership role God intended him to have he’ll leave the woman trying to change him for them.
Establishing sexual dominance. Some frustrated Black males seek to re-establish God’s natural order by using sex. These males will intentionally make a woman pregnant to show her who is the leader. On a primal level, this is a passive-aggressive way to re-establish his power as a man and to show a woman her place.
Taking active resistance. This is when a frustrated Black male will physically assault the Black woman he’s involved with to establish dominance and try to get the woman to submit to his leadership. Angry about being placed in a submissive role, these men try to use violence to put a woman back into the place God intended.
Usually these males will never be able to reconcile with the fact that they have been emasculated. And as the beatings and physical abuse escalate, they lose more and more control over themselves. Tragically, the only way some of these men can reconcile their issues of emasculation is oftentimes by killing the woman they’re involved with.
Leaving the relationship. Realizing that it’s not natural for a woman to lead a man, these men decide to end their relationship with that Black woman and pursue a relationship with a Black woman or nonblack woman that will allow him to be the leader God intended him to be.
At the end of the relationship the Black woman is left alone. And as she pursues relationships with other Black men, she carries emotional baggage with her from that past relationship that prevents her from having a closer relationship with those brothers. Oftentimes projecting all of her past problems with the ex onto the new man she dates and continuing to apply the exact same failed approaches to relationships she learned from her single mother with man after man. This vicious cycle continues until most Black women turn 40 or she has a bunch of illegitimate kids, whichever comes first.
In the aftermath of all these failed relationships most single Black women wonder what went wrong. Why these Black men don’t want her and why her relationships with men always fail. Unfortunately, most single Black women go to their graves not understanding they’re following a model for social relationships between the sexes that just doesn’t work. What’s keeping a 70 percent of Black women single isn’t just the Black men she involves herself with, it’s the way she was taught to have relationships with Black men from day one.