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Sunday, March 3, 2013

People Are AS IS

Some people have this notion that dysfunctional people can be changed for the better. That with a little love and care from them that people in their lives will blossom like a flower or emerge from a cocoon like a butterfly.

Usually these people wind up thoroughly disappointed.

Here’s the truth about people. They’re Usually As Is. As you find them when you meet them is how they’ll be when you get the backbone to leave them.

Most times people we meet make lots of statements about how they’re going to improve. And because many of us are caught up in the emotions of their Mr or Ms. Pitiful’s sad stories, we fall for the game they’re running.

Investing our time and resources into helping them. Not understanding that most of them are beyond help. There’s a fine line difference between support and dependence.

Support means a person is making efforts to move forward and needs a hand to help them along. Yeah, they’re having a hard time, but they’re working towards achieving their goals in spite of the challenges they face. You can see from their actions that they’re working towards a tangible goal of some kind.

We give this person a tip or introduce them to someone and they take that information to move forward towards achieving their goals.

Dependence is when a person is relying on a person to do everything for them. This is when a person talks about achieving something, but making no efforts to move forward. Over time no action is being taken by a person to achieve the goals they talk about, just more talk about their dreams while they wait for someone else to do things for them.

We introduce this person to the right person and they don’t follow up. We give them information and they don’t capitalize on it.

People talk a lot about things. But their actions speak louder than their words about their commitment to their achievement of those goals.

And you should invest your time spending it with who you see being productive. Because your time is precious. It’s a commodity in this life you can’t get back.

Never take time for granted. And never let people take your time for granted. Remember, You are valuable and your time is valuable.

Every second you spend with a dysfunctional person trying to help them get better and fix their problems is time you’re wasting. It’s time you could be spending working on trying to improve yourself and getting yourself to the next level.

Some people in this world are too broken to be fixed. They don’t deserve our pity. And they don’t deserve our support. In our efforts to change them from dysfunctional to functional, we wind up being the ones changed. For the worse.

What everyone needs to understand is that toxic people suck the life out of us. These people are like black holes, an abyss where resources go into them, but nothing of value ever comes out of them. They suck the life out of the people around them and turn them into shells of their former selves. Investing in these wastes of human carbon usually winds up with a loss of time, money, and life.

This is why I say when I first meet people I follow the As Is approach. As I find them when I first meet them is how they will be.

If I find someone when I meet them making efforts towards making it to the next level, I go out of my way to support them. For example a struggling writer I meet has a new paperback or eBook coming out. To help them out I’ll go out of my way to buy their paperback or eBook. If I like what I read of their samples, I’ll throw them a promo on my blog. I’ll link to their book on Twitter and Facebook. I’ll help them get the word out about their work.

But if I find someone talking shit I charge them to the game. For example, someone talking about how they want to publish a book. But they haven’t written a manuscript, an outline, a synopsis or made any efforts. People who say they want to write but don’t have the time to write. People who use the kids, the job and everything else as an excuse for not spending any time in front of a keyboard.

Chances are in a year or so this same person will still be talking about writing that book. I don’t have time for them and their bullshit.

My time is too valuable to waste with fixing someone broken. I’d rather work with someone new than continue to deal with someone who is damaged.

Any efforts to fix a broken person is usually based on emotion. Sentiment. Sympathy. Pity. The desperate hope that things will get better. That this person be this ideal image of greatness we imagine them to be.

When in truth things aren’t going to get better. This person has showed me who they truly are on DAY ONE. But if I’m not objective enough to understand that who they were when I met them is who they are now I won’t make the efforts to make the positive changes that will help me move forward.

One of the things I learned in studying screenwriting is that action defines character. People are what they DO not what they say. Learning about that little tenet of screenwriting has not only helped me in my writing fiction but in gaining an understanding of people in real life. People who are about something are always doing something. And when they finish putting their work in, there’s a product as the end result. Real Men and Women set goals and achieve them. They are what they do and they understand that action speaks louder than words.

Remember, people are As Is. As you find them when you meet them is how they will be when you leave them. Stay with the people who are doing something positive and move forward. change is active, not passive.

1 comment:

  1. So some nuts can come out of their shells and others stay cracked forever?