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Monday, May 7, 2012

Why I Hate Low-Rise Pants




I’m going to come out and just say it: Low Rise pants suck.

And not just on one type of body. They suck On Every body. And I mean every body. Short, tall, fat skinny. Low-rise pants look like shit on every body.

Except for women with the bodies of 10-year-old boys in those fashion magazines. And Emo dudes.

Fashion designers tell everyone that the lower seat and waist will make for a longer leaner line.

I call bullshit on that.

When I walk down the street I don’t see long, lean lines that Madison Avenue tells me low-rise pants create.

No, all I see are paunches and muffin tops. And ass cracks. Lots and lots of ass-cracks.

And most low-rise pants have even the most toned and fit people looking like fat asses. We don’t see what these models look like BEFORE they’re photoshopped and airbrushed to death. Those lean fit models probably look like the rest of us muffin tops in those crappy short-seated pants and tight shirts that can’t get tucked into them.

In a non-photoshopped airbrushed world, Low-rise pants make even the skinniest person look like they have a gut. I’ve seen quite a few size zero women who look fat in a pair of low-rise trousers. Yeah, they are that awful.

Plus they’re just horrible for everyday wear. Sure they look great on a fashion model or a celebrity standing still for a picture, but for the rest of us who have to run, walk and work in them, low-rise pants are a FUCKING NIGHTMARE. Ever try tucking a shirt in a pair of low-rise pants? IT NEVER STAYS IN. Ever try walking in a pair of low rise pants? They make you late for wherever you’re going because You spend half your time yanking them up.

Ever try putting a belt in a pair of low-rise pants? You can put it on the last hole to keep those pants up, but the damn things never stay up.

Then there’s sitting down in them. IT’S JUST NOT POSSIBLE if you want to keep your dignity. People will see your underwear, the crack of your ass or both.  

Then there’s bending over and crouching…Heaven help someone if they drop something on the floor, because everyone gets a show when you try to pick it up.

These pants are so horrible companies are manufacturing items like Trendy Tops so people can cover their backsides and prevent indecent exposures.

I’ve gotten a few pairs of low-rise pants for holiday gifts. I HATED ALL OF THEM. No room in the seat, no room in the thigh. A crotch so small a guy couldn’t relax his man parts. No room for a wallet or keys. I felt like I was wearing a pair of man-leggings.

They never fit right. Exchange for a size bigger or two sizes bigger and they STILL DON’T FIT IN THE SEAT OR THE THIGH. In all the cases, that special holiday gift wound up a RETURN.

Whenever a retailer stops making regular rise pants and switches to this low-rise bullshit I just stop shopping there. Brooks Brothers lost my business in 2010, and Cutter and Buck lost my business this Holiday season due to their switchover to low-rise pants.

Seriously someone needs to tell the fashion gurus in retail to stop manufacturing low-rise pants. Most men hate them and most women over the size of 0 hate them even more. And the reason most people hate them is that they look horrible on EVERY BODY, and have no function for everyday wear.

Ever try getting a wallet in a pocket of a pair of low-rise jeans? Ever try getting a set of keys in there?

Those two items alone will send those pants down around your ankles.

Why? Because there isn’t enough SEAT to hold the pants around one’s WAIST. There isn’t enough CROTCH to keep the pants ON someone’s HIPS.

Everywhere I go whenever I see low-rise pants, especially men’s low-rise pants they’re shelfwarming. Right next to those suck-ass slim fit shirts that don’t move because you have to buy them a size bigger in the neck for the torso to fit right. And do you want to know why People don’t want to buy them. Why?

Because a man looking like a sloppy lardass isn’t cool.

Nor is sizing up. There’s nothing more frustrating than having to buy clothes a size or two bigger to get the damn things to fit right. I can’t tell you how many designers I’ve dropped because they’re lines have confusuing fits.

Most people want comfortable clothes. Clothes that are LOOSE. ROOMY. With some space to GIVE when someone MOVES.

Most people would like to buy a pair of pants this decade where they can actually squat down without feeling like a plumber.

Here’s some advice Madison Avenue fashion gurus: Most Real men like myself need a little room in their clothes. We like pants with a FULL SEAT and a FULL RISE. Pants like this can hold a wallet and an iphone in the front pockets. Pants with enough material in the crotch to hold our guy junk and the tails of our shirts securely. They make it easy to walk, around in, and prevents us from offering the ladies a show every time we sit down.

And most ladies we know want the same too. I remember those full-rise jeans with a full waistband ladies used to wear until about 1997.

Man, those were sexy.

Why? Because they left something to the imagination. And they made a ladies’ butt look oh so cute. Plus they drew the lines of the body up towards the face. Like a good pair of pants does.

Not like today’s low-rise pants where all you see are muffin tops squishing out and paunches hanging over them. Sorry, that’s not sexy. It’s just GROSS.

Want to know what else was cool about full-rise jeans on women? They allowed a woman an opportunity to SHAPE her CURVES. They allowed a woman to build an HOURGLASS figure and a truly FLAT stomach. Yes, when pants have a WAISTBAND AND A FULL RISE they hold the body IN toning and conditioning the ab muscles.

I implore the fashion gurus at Madison Avenue to just STOP MAKING LOW RISE PANTS. Declare low-rise pants PLAYED OUT. Bring back pants with full rises and full seats. They just look better and are more functional for the on-the go person. The faster the world gets back to regular rise pants with a seat, thigh and a waistband a belt can hold up the better off everyone will be. 

19 comments:

  1. Sorry Shawn, I know you're being dead serious, but I got my best belly laughs of the week from this. But this it is a hilarious subject, as well as very sad one.

    Have we humans always let ourselves be led around by the nose or on leashes like poodles? If so, how have we survivied?

    There is no more comedy or pathos to be added to this. you've done it all. It would be great if everyone who's fond of the low risers could walk along looking at themselves in a constant mirror, but even then if it's fashion, so many are going to follow. You migh try e-mailing this to all fashionistas and peacocks.

    I can only say my stomach is sore from laughing, and I'm not luaghing in scorn, not at all, but in the silliness of all us humans who intend to follow fashion, and devil take the hindmost (pun absolutely intended).

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  2. Absolutely spot on Shawn! Go man, stated like a pro! Sick to death of these low-rise pants AND &*&%$£@## slim-fit crap!!!!

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  3. Thank you for finally saying what I have been thinking for years. I agree, low rise pants just don't fit anyone properly.

    I am an older gal, in my 50's. I teach yoga and am in excellent shape with a nice slim figure from 30 years of practice. Yet I find that I have to sew a band of elastic around the tops my pants to keep them up, to make them dignified as I go about my life.

    Also, there is a concern that the pressure of the lowered waist on the belly is bad for the internal organs. The tightness of the skinny jeans causes nerve damage in the legs.
    Thank you for your excellent commentary on this absurd issue that we all are having to put up with.
    Lynn

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  4. Hey I love fashion. And for a while I wore them. But they do suck. They look like shit. You have to yank on them to keep them up..and they just don't really make a whole lot of sense from a design standpoint. They can go.
    @ Francine; Relax. Its not that funny. We humans are a SOCIAL animal. We are strongest in a group. Not as individuals. And our resume is pretty impressive. Get over yourself. If a pair of low rise jeans is that funny to you, you need to see a shrink.

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  5. I see you all have valid points, but I for one am glad they make low rise jeans. They fit me just fine and believe me, everything important is covered. Yes, you will see my navel three inches above the belt line, but the only thing you'll see is my lower back. I just have a different body type. (low rise)
    I repeat, no crack. Just back. Deal with it, world. Not everybody is built like you. I wear my low rise with confidence.

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  6. I mean I can get on my knees and touch my head to the floor wearing low rise jeans, and they've still got me covered. All that's out there is my back. Absolutely nothing indecent. Then again my shirts usually cover that area anyway.
    I was just born with a different body, I guess.
    Whatever... I still claim it.

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  7. I also want to note that no other type of pant style seems to fit me. I also have long legs and long arms with bug hands and skinny little wrists. Whatever.

    It ain't easy being different.

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  8. These pants SUCK plain and simple. Most people look like CRAP in them. I can[t STAND them because they NEVER FIT RIGHT, or look right. i've seen enough muffin tops and guts to last a LIFETIME. I just want this horrible trend in fashion to just GO AWAY because i'm tired of seeing people's butts.

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  9. Thank god for this page. I miss 90's so much...before this low-rise craziness started and gone viral everywhere. But you forgot something. This fashion gone so mad that even sweatpants that are judged not low rise enough, people roll up the elastic at waist to low the rise far as possible. This only add more ugliness. It's for me one of the most ridiculous fashion thing, this and trendy tops. To invent something to help surviving to a stupid fashion...how could it be more dumb? I stand with you, Shawn.

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  10. Shawn,
    Thank you so much for the sane point of view. I'm trying to update my wardrobe and am being stymied by all of the low-rise pants for sale. I have a long torso to begin with, so I don't need to accentuate it any further. I simply look ridiculous in low rise pants. But where can we find something stylish to wear that's not low rise? It's maddening.

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  11. Dear Shawn, I am a woman and a small one at that typically only junior sizes fit me correctly seeing as woman sizes start at size 4 and are cut to fit a saggy old lady ass......therefore I too HATE lowrise jeans I want the tightness of a junior size and the waist rise of a woman I don't have a 13 year old body I have full blown woman hips and butt on skinny legs....I need something to hold all that in for once can i bend over and not show the world my butt crack!!!!! Not sexy! And not practical amen brother no one should be wearing these things!

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  12. Dear Shawn, I am a woman and a small one at that typically only junior sizes fit me correctly seeing as woman sizes start at size 4 and are cut to fit a saggy old lady ass......therefore I too HATE lowrise jeans I want the tightness of a junior size and the waist rise of a woman I don't have a 13 year old body I have full blown woman hips and butt on skinny legs....I need something to hold all that in for once can i bend over and not show the world my butt crack!!!!! Not sexy! And not practical amen brother no one should be wearing these things!

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  13. I know that this is an older post, but thanks Shawn for saying it like it is. My arms and legs don't tolerate cheap cotton very well - the short fibers feel like porcupines. I have been dealing with that for a few years so it has been hard enough to find pants that don't irritate me. Now I am finding all this slim cut, low rise crap that just doesn't fit. I have bought and returned 16 pairs of pants in the last month mostly because of the damn rise and fit.

    I want to be comfortable which means to me that I don't even think about the clothes on me. If I have to pull, push, and stretch the pants every couple of minutes - well forget that. Found a great pair of pants yesterday that had a 13" front rise and a 19" back rise. Perfect I thought, until I sat down and that pants tightened against my thighs and almost cut off my circulation. Uggggggggggggh

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  14. I totally agree with you,Shawn. Pants with a standard waist and rise definitely fit better and feel better. Also the deeper pockets are a plus. Clothing manufacturers these days seem to think nobody needs pockets. When you have a lot of stuff to carry around,pockets are a must. So if you have a pair of old cargo pants from early 2000's,hold on to them because even the cargo pants today are lower rise. It really is a drag.

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  15. Levis 501 jeans have a normal rise, i think. Classic for a reason. Bought a pair of low-rise Levis (not 501) by mistake when my 501s were getting too distressed... hating the low-rise so much...

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  16. All of this exhibitionist clothing is the fault of gay designers. Think about it. You know it's true. If straight men were fashion designers we would have decent fitting clothing. I'm not anti gay. I just see things for what they are and won't be silenced because of some PC bull.

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  17. Absolutely right! I have been having pants made for me because we are not even being given the choice of a high waist pant. Nerve! I like a side zip, flat front (Who needs the bulge of a zipper riding over your tummy?), straight leg pant with a 34" inseam. Sick of muffin tops and these tacky low rise, graceless pants!

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  18. Absolutely right! I have been having pants made for me because we are not even being given the choice of a high waist pant. Nerve! I like a side zip, flat front (Who needs the bulge of a zipper riding over your tummy?), straight leg pant with a 34" inseam. Sick of muffin tops and these tacky low rise, graceless pants!

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  19. Agreed completely. While the high waist might not look good on everyone, that low waist most definitely looks trashy on almost everyone, even people who think they look good in them. There is no way to avoid the muffin top unless the waist is too big, then the darn things constantly need to be pulled up or your underwear or crack show. I suppose they are fine for the wanna be crackheads that wear the waist around their thighs. But, yeah, I'm sick of it. I think they have started adding a little more to the rise in recent years. Only way to change it is to boycott the junk products until the companies see a loss of profit.

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