DC Comics Dick Teases us with another Crisis….

There’s rumors that DC will be having another Crisis in 2015. A way to fix all the bugs in the New 52 and possibly an exit to the old pre-52 DC Universe. At this point I just don’t give a shit anymore.

The way I see it areturn to the old DC Universe isn’t going to change things. As long as Dan Didio, Bob Harras, Jim Lee Diane Nelson and Goeff Johns are in charge at DC Dysfunction will be the norm. So until Warner Brothers announces this gang of four is FIRED and replaced with someone like Bruce Timm, Jim Shooter or Mark Waid who cares about the characters, all they’re doing is dick-teasing comic fans.

Hoping, wishing and praying comic fans will trick their money off on comics and continue to buy into their dysfunctional vision for DC Comics.

The current DC Comics Editiorial regime has jerked people around for so long that it’s not possible to care about anything it says or does. Just when readers start getting into DC Comics, DC’s Editors decide to change the entire damn universe. Arbitrarily.

There’s a reason for this coming Crisis in 2015: Slumping sales. DC Comics have lost market share to Marvel and even the indie comics. They’ve lost presence at retailers like Target and Wal-Mart in the merchandising departments. The cinematic universe based on the foundations of an angry murderous Man of Steel has split the audience and is on a rocky foundation.

And Crisis 20l5 is supposed to make it all better.

If you believe this, I have a bridge I want to sell you.

The way I see it DC has been in a crisis since 2002 When Dan Didio became an executive there.

Albert Einstien said the definition of insanity is doing the exact same things and expecting a different result. What is this the sixth reboot? The Seventh?

Damn, Windows hasn’t had as many operating systems as DC has had reboots of its universe in the last decade. Mac OS X hasn’t had as many operating systems as DC has had reboots.

It’s a sad day when the operating system on your computer is more stable than the universe comic book characters are in.

The way I see it, New 52 is to DC what Windows ME was to Microsoft. A shitty bug filled universe filled with plotholes, continuity errors, poor planning, poor development and poor execution rushed out to shock readers and pull DC out of a sales slump and a creative tailspin. While its characters had the flash of costumes filled with piping and seams they lacked the substance good storytelling could give them.

Which is why its falling apart as we speak.

Sure the New 52 got sales up at DC for the short term. But it’s clear it did damage to the DC brand long-term. Readers are frustrated with the non-stop events. Licensors like Mattel have taken a beating as DC related products such as DC Universe Classics and Movie Masters have shelfwarmed. When you can’t sell Batman action figures after selling them for close to 25 years it’s clear something is WRONG.

Most DC Comics fans are waiting for the Windows XP version of the DC Universe Or the OS X Snow Leopard Version of it. Something that’s so secure, stable and functional and reliable. Something that’s reader friendly and reader accessible.

But instead we get dick teased by Didio. The pre-52 universe exists. Then when fans start buying the Crisis comics in 2015, they get the rug yanked right out from under them.

Here’s an idea: Instead of cock-teasing fans, how about DC’s editiors admit they fucked up? How about Warner Brothers’ executives WAKE up and realize they need to CLEAN HOUSE at DC and that all of their plans for the brand are FAILURES? The Crisis is in Management at both DC and Warner Brothers. And that’s where we need a reboot most of all.

With the same gang of four in charge at DC I have a feeling we’ll be given a Windows VISTA Version of the New 52 in the aftermath of any Crisis. Another dysfunctional universe destined to be filled with continuity errors and wind up in yet another crisis until it aggravates  so many people that indies wind up taking even more market share from DC.

At the end of the day, all most comic fans want are good stories featuring DC Superheroes. And sadly you can’t get them at DC in its main titles. No, in order to get those you have to head to an indie webcomic. Yale Stewart’s site for his great JL8 strip. His strip captures the heart and spirit of DC superheroes in fun, easy-to read strips that are accessible to readers of any age.

It’s embarrassing that a guy outside  of DC Comics produces better DC Comics than the parent company. Sad thing is no one at Warner Brothers is embarrassed that the employees on THEIR PAYROLL can’t do what Mr. Stewart is doing on his own.

In all their other comics DC seems hell-bent on continuing with a doom-and-gloom everyone dies story model that was pretty much obsolete in the late 1980’s.

Dan Didio says comics for kids should be relegated to Scooby Doo. And many of the people in charge of DC’s properties like Chris Nolan, David Goyer and Scott Snyder think the same way. They’re still stuck in the late 1980’s trying to apply a grim n’ gritty “Real” story model to comics.

And this is why DC continues to lose market share. It’s clear the market has changed. All one has to do is look at the successes Marvel Studios has had at the box-office with family and kid-friendly movies like Iron Man, Thor, The Incredible Hulk, Captain America: The First Avenger, The Avengers and Captain America: The Winter Soldier. All one has to do is go to a Target or a Wal-Mart and see the Marvel merchandise moving with KIDS, the demographic most businesses want.

Someone needs to tell the suits at DC that it’s hard to sell a Superman who kills to parents. And even harder to sell him to kids.

From the way I see it DC has a Crisis. But it’s a creative one. And no amount of reboots will be able to fix DC as long as it has dysfunctional managers and a dysfunctional vision. It’s hard to CARE about DC because just as the audience is getting into the characters and their stories, here comes another “event” or “reboot” to radically change everything again for the umpmillointh time.

Unfortunately, for all the dick teasing about change DC never delivers on the goods. New Universe or old, everything stays just as dysfunctional as it was since Didio and his merry morons took charge back in 2002. And readers and fans are becoming more and more frustrated as they waste their money and time waiting for them to get it together.

People want to buy DC Comics Only DC’s editors won’t give us a reason to get excited about them. And because of all the dick teasing, game playing and bullshitting most are moving on to indies which are delivering the goods to readers. There’s a reason Walking Dead is selling like hotcakes, the stories are that good.

Seriously, DC Comics doesn’t need another Crisis. They need a new editorial team. And they need a new story model suited to today. Didio may not like Scooby Doo type comics but in this 21^st Century where there are more kids being born than in the World War II baby boom, that’s exactly what the comic book industry needs. More All-Ages easy to read comics with great stories. Comics that are fun. Comics that make parents comfortable about giving comics to kids. Comics that will make new readers see what’s great about DC and its catalog of characters.