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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Black Woman's Reversal of Fortune

In the 1992 Terry McMillan published Waiting to Exhale. That story detailed the struggles of single successful well-educated Black women who alleged they couldn’t find a “good” Black man. 

Over the course of the past two decades those single successful well-educated Black women who identified with the characters in McMillan’s novel constantly complained that they couldn’t find a Black Man. They went on talk shows like Oprah, and news shows like Dateline NBC and Nightline complaining about the shortage of “good” Black Men in their communities. 

These forums often devolved into man-bashing events where Black women called Black men cheaters, liars, criminals, no-good, trifilin’ and sorry. They whined about how these men didn’t take care of their kids, were uneducated, had no motivation and how they didn’t work. 

As Black women aired their dirty laundry, it turned into a cottage industry for writers, publishers playwrights, film producers, directors, and many others in the media. Many like Oprah Winfrey, Terry McMillan, and Tyler Perry got rich as Black women shed their tears for the cameras.

In all this media bashing Black men the question was asked: What do Black men bring to the table? 

Fast forward to today. 

In 2012 I’m hearing more and more from educated Black men who are now saying they can’t find a “good” Black woman. 

Brothers are saying that most of the Black women today have nothing to offer them. They say most of the single Black women today have illegitimate kids by multiple fathers. That they’ve been once or twice divorced. How some have incurable veneral diseases like herpes and HIV and AIDS. How others struggle with drug and alcohol problems. And how quite a few have mental health issues. Many are overweight, physically out of shape and barely able to take care of themselves let alone maintain a relationship.

Financially, many of the once successful single well-educated Black women who were making five and six figures on their high-profile jobs are drowning in debt and struggling to pay their bills due to years of irresponsible living. The years of partying, drinking, and cavorting have caught up with them. Due to their excessive spending they have amassed debts on student loans, houses they couldn’t afford, cars that they couldn’t pay for, and closets full of designer clothes they’re still paying for on their credit card bills. 

And now good brothers are asking those single successful well educated Black women: What do they bring to the table?

Unfortunately the answer is: Not much.

Twenty years ago many of the good Black men were ignored by the Black women in their communities. No, Black women put those men down as “boring” and wanted nothing to do with them.

And over those two decades these invisible brothers have persevered working hard behind the scenes to get their lives in order. They got their educations. They started business. They’ve established themselves. And now most of these brothers are ready for committed relationships. Many more are ready to marry, settle down and start families.

But the Black women aren’t available for them to marry. 

Why? Because the Black women wouldn’t wait on God. No, they wanted a man when they wanted to have a man when they wanted one, not when God wanted to provide them with one.

Moreover, they wanted a man on their terms, not God’s. Arrogant and belligerent the Strong Single Successful Independent Black woman wanted a man she could control and be leader over instead of letting the man lead her the way God intended to.

And while Strong, Single Successful Independent Black Woman pursued men on her own terms over the last twenty years, she ignored the good men in her community and didn’t provide support for them when they were at the bottom struggling to build themselves up.
And now while these Strong Single, Successful Independent Black women deal with all the emotional and personal baggage they’ve accumulated in their lives they’re unable to pursue the numerous good Black Men God is establishing in the community. 

When I think about today’s Black Women I think about the verse in The Bible about the parable of the ten virgins. Five had oil for their lamps and five did not. The five that had oil were ready to go into the wedding and the five that didn’t were cast into darkness. 

Today’s Strong single successful Independent Black women are like five foolish virgins who didn’t have oil for their lamps. Impatient, they refused to follow God’s will for her life and prepare herself for marriage. Moreover they refused to wait on God to provide the man He had for her to be with. Instead they went on their own way and pursued relationships with Men unsuitable to do God’s work.

Now after long delays and long suffering, the good Black men are ready to marry.
But a majority of the Black women aren’t available to marry them. No, they squandered the money they were supposed to spend on oil for their lamps years ago. And because they have no oil for their lamps they can’t see the way God has laid out for them to go, or the Man He had for them to be with.

Due to their sinful actions the Strong Independent Single Successful Black women are soon to be cast into the darkness like the virgins who didn’t have oil for their lamps.

But before they are judged, the truth is coming to the light about their numerous secrets.

And we find that these black women who were allegedly looking for the “good” black men weren’t actually so “good” themselves. Like the four women in McMillan’s popular novel many of those single, successful well-educated black women were holding their breath not in the hopes of finding that good man, but in the hopes that their skeletons in their closets wouldn’t be revealed to the world. 

The truth is now coming out about the adulterous affairs these Independent Single Successful Black women had with married men. The perverted sexual encounters they had with numerous strangers behind closed doors. How they dated thugs and ex-convicts in the hopes of controlling and manipulating a man. How they intentionally got pregnant in the hopes of keeping a dysfunctional relationship alive. How they had numerous abortions, and had illegitimate children by multiple fathers. How they started marijuana, cocaine and prescription drug habits. How they stabbed people in the back on their high-profile jobs to get ahead. How they mistreated people young and old with their horrible attitudes, foul mouths and abrasive personalities. 

All while presenting this façade of being the “good” Christian Black woman who just couldn’t find a man. The truth was they couldn’t find the good man because they weren’t good themselves. 

This is the Reversal of Fortune Black women. They payment God has given them for all their years of lies and deceit. Because they conformed to the standards of the world, these sistas have reaped what they have sowed. And it’s a bitter harvest.

Because they were unwilling to be a help meet suitable to the Standard of God, they are unable to pursue relationships with the Good Black men they say they’ve been pursuing for decades. 

Today in 2012 the tables have turned on the Strong Independent single, successful Black Woman. Understanding the truth about these women the good Black men don’t want anything to do with them. Good Brothers see past the façade of weaves, designer clothes and the content of their despicable character that comes from their hearts. 

Sistas, you have a chance to change your fortunes. But until you submit to God and Let Him change who you are on the inside, you will never find a “good” Black man. Because it is only when a woman conforms to the standard of a suitable help meet in the eyes of God that they will be able to find good Black man to share their lives with. 


  1. Hi Shawn,

    I followed a link from your Tyler Perry comment on IMDB thinking I would get further education on the research you did about African American Ivy League graduates but instead I find an endless tirade about how educated black women missed the mark. I don't know what world you live in but it seems to me that both educated black men and educated black women have both missed the mark. Neither seems to have the depth of character to look beyond the stereotypes perpetuated by media and fictional authors peddling their goods. Productive, open dialogue will only occur when we stop pointing fingers. We all have different experiences and perspectives based on those experiences. And, as an educated black woman who has been married to the same blue color brotha' for 24 years, I say you are wrong! As for waiting for God, that's not what its all about. The mentality necessary to "wait for God" is born of relationship with Him only. Sadly, black men and women have missed the mark with regards to their faith. We are explicitly told to seek Him first and all His righteousness and all these things (hmmm, is a husband or wife a "thing") will be added to you.

    As a side note, as a 40 something educated sistah, I have lots of girlfriends who are educated (MBA, Phd, MD, LLD, etc.) who are wealthy, living within their means, kind, empathetic, energetic, HEALTHY and still get shunned by educated black men for the shall we say, barbie dolls. Despite this, they are not bitter and have begun to accept invitations from "Ken."

    Much love to you but my three 4.75 GPA high school daughters know that its okay to be a strong, beautiful, educated, black woman and that the bitter, anger tinged observations of others are not the characterizations that they should concern themselves. I love my daughters and refuse to let them believe that this sad state of affairs is "my" fault.

    Much love!

  2. *claps for Anonymous*

    And Shawn, you are wrong for trying to pull the Lord into these tirades. No where in the Bible does it say to tear one another down--we're supposed to be encouraging and loving one another as Christ loves us. If you keep getting burned by these "independent black women" maybe you need to look at yourself and ask why you are attracted to women who don't want you/treat you wrong instead of blaming them.

    - Gigi

  3. I'm sorry, I haven't known any black man wanting to marry. Black men rather shack and sex than marry for as long as he can. It's sad, but a Black man will bang anything and everything. Black men just want to have their cake and eat it too. Black men want marriage? Like the single motherhood epidemic, black men spread their seeds out of wedlock. Ha! Give me a break!