Keep going.
God told me that one Sunday the week I lost my job three years ago. And I’ve been trying to obey him since.
Over the past two years as I looked for that new job to pay my bills, I’ve been blessed to build momentum with each book I published. Winning over the critics. Getting new readers. Slowly building an audience and praying for that big break.
But coming on the third anniversary of losing my job, I’m running into obstacles that are undermining all the momentum I’ve built these past two years.
My unemployment is exhausted. My saving is on the brink of being exhausted. I’m almost out of money. And I’m nowhere near being able to live off the revenue of my books. I don’t even know if I can afford to keep them in print.
But I want to keep going. To keep building momentum. Working towards that next job. Working towards that big break.. And trying to get to that next level.
I don’t want to stop. Because I feel if I stop I won’t have the ability to get my life started again. It was hard enough fight to start my life over at 34. And that was after having to start all over again at 26, 29, and 34. It takes all my heart soul and spirit to fight with the resentment and resistance I’ve faced from racists, uncle toms, and people too insensitive, insecure, and selfish to understand where I’m coming from in my quest to find employment.
As I get older it just gets too tiring to fight with arrogant people trying to push me out of a job just as I’m trying to get a foothold in their workplace. Telling me after I’m hired they want someone better instead of learning to appreciate who they have.
I’m still trying to keep going. Still trying to stay in the game.
But three years later after losing my job, I don’t think I have the strength to start all over again at 40 or 41. I need to find that job that starts my career soon. To have the audience discover that breakout book, to finally get things going. I feel this is sink or swim time for me in both my careers.
It’s been mentally and physically exhausting to rebuild things for the second straight time. It’s frustrating and even more mentally and physically draining to hold on to what I have. I need things to work this time. I need things to get started because I don’t think I can do this again.
I do not wind up where I was back in January 2003- April 2008. Broke and living on $2 a day, depending on family to help me out. Counting down to the last penny. Struggling to find the money just to pay for the little things and praying some big expense I can’t afford doesn’t come up and stop me dead in my tracks, like the dead laptop that kept me from writing and accessing the internet for close to a year in August of 2007.
I realize from here on in if I don’t get a job in a year or so, writing, my secondary source of income is probably going to be my primary source of income. I’ll be too old to get that office job I’ve been dreaming of getting since I was 21 and graduated college back in 1994.
The job market here in New York City is a brick wall. Managers here twiddle their thumbs telling unemployed people not to apply for jobs or play a game of run-around with interviewees while they secretly plan to hire their friends and family. At 38 now I barely stand a chance in this job market with a college degree. In two years at 40 I’m pretty much fucked.
If I’m going to keep going I’m going to need a miracle. I’m reaching the point where I can’t go any further. If people don’t start buying books soon or I don't find a job, I'm going to wind up in a bad spot.
I'm asking everyone to help me out during this time by buying a book or an eBook.
God told me that one Sunday the week I lost my job three years ago. And I’ve been trying to obey him since.
Over the past two years as I looked for that new job to pay my bills, I’ve been blessed to build momentum with each book I published. Winning over the critics. Getting new readers. Slowly building an audience and praying for that big break.
But coming on the third anniversary of losing my job, I’m running into obstacles that are undermining all the momentum I’ve built these past two years.
My unemployment is exhausted. My saving is on the brink of being exhausted. I’m almost out of money. And I’m nowhere near being able to live off the revenue of my books. I don’t even know if I can afford to keep them in print.
But I want to keep going. To keep building momentum. Working towards that next job. Working towards that big break.. And trying to get to that next level.
I don’t want to stop. Because I feel if I stop I won’t have the ability to get my life started again. It was hard enough fight to start my life over at 34. And that was after having to start all over again at 26, 29, and 34. It takes all my heart soul and spirit to fight with the resentment and resistance I’ve faced from racists, uncle toms, and people too insensitive, insecure, and selfish to understand where I’m coming from in my quest to find employment.
As I get older it just gets too tiring to fight with arrogant people trying to push me out of a job just as I’m trying to get a foothold in their workplace. Telling me after I’m hired they want someone better instead of learning to appreciate who they have.
I’m still trying to keep going. Still trying to stay in the game.
But three years later after losing my job, I don’t think I have the strength to start all over again at 40 or 41. I need to find that job that starts my career soon. To have the audience discover that breakout book, to finally get things going. I feel this is sink or swim time for me in both my careers.
It’s been mentally and physically exhausting to rebuild things for the second straight time. It’s frustrating and even more mentally and physically draining to hold on to what I have. I need things to work this time. I need things to get started because I don’t think I can do this again.
I do not wind up where I was back in January 2003- April 2008. Broke and living on $2 a day, depending on family to help me out. Counting down to the last penny. Struggling to find the money just to pay for the little things and praying some big expense I can’t afford doesn’t come up and stop me dead in my tracks, like the dead laptop that kept me from writing and accessing the internet for close to a year in August of 2007.
I realize from here on in if I don’t get a job in a year or so, writing, my secondary source of income is probably going to be my primary source of income. I’ll be too old to get that office job I’ve been dreaming of getting since I was 21 and graduated college back in 1994.
The job market here in New York City is a brick wall. Managers here twiddle their thumbs telling unemployed people not to apply for jobs or play a game of run-around with interviewees while they secretly plan to hire their friends and family. At 38 now I barely stand a chance in this job market with a college degree. In two years at 40 I’m pretty much fucked.
If I’m going to keep going I’m going to need a miracle. I’m reaching the point where I can’t go any further. If people don’t start buying books soon or I don't find a job, I'm going to wind up in a bad spot.
I'm asking everyone to help me out during this time by buying a book or an eBook.
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