Why I Hate Low-Rise Pants

I’m going to come out and just say it: Low Rise pants suck.

And not just on one type of body. They suck On Every body. And I mean every body. Short, tall, fat skinny. Low-rise pants look like shit on every body.

Except for women with the bodies of 10-year-old boys in those fashion magazines. And Emo dudes.

Fashion designers tell everyone that the lower seat and waist will make for a longer leaner line.

I call bullshit on that.

When I walk down the street I don’t see long, lean lines that Madison Avenue tells me low-rise pants create.

No, all I see are paunches and muffin tops. And ass cracks. Lots and lots of ass-cracks.

And most low-rise pants have even the most toned and fit people looking like fat asses. We don’t see what these models look like BEFORE they’re photoshopped and airbrushed to death. Those lean fit models probably look like the rest of us muffin tops in those crappy short-seated pants and tight shirts that can’t get tucked into them.

In a non-photoshopped airbrushed world, Low-rise pants make even the skinniest person look like they have a gut. I’ve seen quite a few size zero women who look fat in a pair of low-rise trousers. Yeah, they are that awful.

Plus they’re just horrible for everyday wear. Sure they look great on a fashion model or a celebrity standing still for a picture, but for the rest of us who have to run, walk and work in them, low-rise pants are a FUCKING NIGHTMARE. Ever try tucking a shirt in a pair of low-rise pants? IT NEVER STAYS IN. Ever try walking in a pair of low rise pants? They make you late for wherever you’re going because You spend half your time yanking them up.

Ever try putting a belt in a pair of low-rise pants? You can put it on the last hole to keep those pants up, but the damn things never stay up.

Then there’s sitting down in them. IT’S JUST NOT POSSIBLE if you want to keep your dignity. People will see your underwear, the crack of your ass or both.  

Then there’s bending over and crouching…Heaven help someone if they drop something on the floor, because everyone gets a show when you try to pick it up.

These pants are so horrible companies are manufacturing items like Trendy Tops so people can cover their backsides and prevent indecent exposures.

I’ve gotten a few pairs of low-rise pants for holiday gifts. I HATED ALL OF THEM. No room in the seat, no room in the thigh. A crotch so small a guy couldn’t relax his man parts. No room for a wallet or keys. I felt like I was wearing a pair of man-leggings.

They never fit right. Exchange for a size bigger or two sizes bigger and they STILL DON’T FIT IN THE SEAT OR THE THIGH. In all the cases, that special holiday gift wound up a RETURN.

Whenever a retailer stops making regular rise pants and switches to this low-rise bullshit I just stop shopping there. Brooks Brothers lost my business in 2010, and Cutter and Buck lost my business this Holiday season due to their switchover to low-rise pants.

Seriously someone needs to tell the fashion gurus in retail to stop manufacturing low-rise pants. Most men hate them and most women over the size of 0 hate them even more. And the reason most people hate them is that they look horrible on EVERY BODY, and have no function for everyday wear.

Ever try getting a wallet in a pocket of a pair of low-rise jeans? Ever try getting a set of keys in there?

Those two items alone will send those pants down around your ankles.

Why? Because there isn’t enough SEAT to hold the pants around one’s WAIST. There isn’t enough CROTCH to keep the pants ON someone’s HIPS.

Everywhere I go whenever I see low-rise pants, especially men’s low-rise pants they’re shelfwarming. Right next to those suck-ass slim fit shirts that don’t move because you have to buy them a size bigger in the neck for the torso to fit right. And do you want to know why People don’t want to buy them. Why?

Because a man looking like a sloppy lardass isn’t cool.

Nor is sizing up. There’s nothing more frustrating than having to buy clothes a size or two bigger to get the damn things to fit right. I can’t tell you how many designers I’ve dropped because they’re lines have confusuing fits.

Most people want comfortable clothes. Clothes that are LOOSE. ROOMY. With some space to GIVE when someone MOVES.

Most people would like to buy a pair of pants this decade where they can actually squat down without feeling like a plumber.

Here’s some advice Madison Avenue fashion gurus: Most Real men like myself need a little room in their clothes. We like pants with a FULL SEAT and a FULL RISE. Pants like this can hold a wallet and an iphone in the front pockets. Pants with enough material in the crotch to hold our guy junk and the tails of our shirts securely. They make it easy to walk, around in, and prevents us from offering the ladies a show every time we sit down.

And most ladies we know want the same too. I remember those full-rise jeans with a full waistband ladies used to wear until about 1997.

Man, those were sexy.

Why? Because they left something to the imagination. And they made a ladies’ butt look oh so cute. Plus they drew the lines of the body up towards the face. Like a good pair of pants does.

Not like today’s low-rise pants where all you see are muffin tops squishing out and paunches hanging over them. Sorry, that’s not sexy. It’s just GROSS.

Want to know what else was cool about full-rise jeans on women? They allowed a woman an opportunity to SHAPE her CURVES. They allowed a woman to build an HOURGLASS figure and a truly FLAT stomach. Yes, when pants have a WAISTBAND AND A FULL RISE they hold the body IN toning and conditioning the ab muscles.

I implore the fashion gurus at Madison Avenue to just STOP MAKING LOW RISE PANTS. Declare low-rise pants PLAYED OUT. Bring back pants with full rises and full seats. They just look better and are more functional for the on-the go person. The faster the world gets back to regular rise pants with a seat, thigh and a waistband a belt can hold up the better off everyone will be.