Brothers and Sisters, It’s Time to Stop the Hate- Guest Blog by Commencement author Lawrence Cherry

I am absolutely sick of the hate speech that has been going back and forth between our young black men and young black women. I am disgusted by parties on both sides that have entire campaigns dedicated to the defamation of the opposite sex.  When I began to research the state of relationships between African-American men and African-American women on the internet, I was appalled by what I found.  I was grieved when I would read a message board or blog in which black men sounded more like clansmen when they were talking about black women. Black women were being described as fat, nappy headed, crude, slutty, loud, obnoxious (and these were the least offense of the names), and there were even references to women being ‘mammies’!!!

Our black women are no better calling black men no good, violent, trifling, uneducated and some even calling them hopeless beasts!!! And don’t get me started on all of the cursing! It’s so bad, it seems as if African-American men and women are declaring some sort of sexual war against each other. The worst part of it all are the blatant derogatory references to skin color I’ve read, in which people were calling each other “black” as if there was something wrong with being an African-American person. Brothers and Sisters its time for a reality check.

First of all, let’s just address what this really is: ANYONE who can sit there and hurl insults at another person of their own ethnicity for being that particular ethnicity is a SELF-HATER. Period. Just admit your sickness. YOU HATE YOURSELF and you project your self-hate on the people you feel safe enough to do so. Brothers who are insecure hate on sisters because it’s easy and society validates it. Sisters who are insecure hate on brothers because it’s easy and society validates it. In our caste society, no one is lower than African Americans and we’re sitting ducks for anyone who wants to make us a scapegoat, including our own people. Your hate makes you feel in control and powerful. You get to be the accuser and the judge and it temporarily makes you feel more secure. But the feelings are always short lived, and at the end of the day nothing has changed.  Yeah, you felt real big and powerful while you were writing your rant aka blog or writing that nasty post on a message board replete with foul language, but as soon as you click on the “send”, your bad feelings about yourself are still there. YOU STILL HATE YOURSELF!


The reason why you hate yourself is because you sit around all day long plugging into the mainstream: watching the racist, self-hating videos, listening to self-hating music in which black people call for the extermination of their own kind, watching the self-hating movies, and engaging in all the other self-hating activities that feed your own self-hatred.  You’re just like Pecola Breedlove in Morrison’s The Bluest Eye. You dream that one day all your problems will be solved if you could just get those blue eyes, or that straight hair, or that white boyfriend/husband, or the white girlfriend/wife, or the bi-racial child that you’re hoping will look more white than black.  Then people will look at you and believe that you are worthy to be loved. Some fantasy! It’s not even a good one!

Now I know a lot of you will say, “That’s not true! I’m a proud African-American!” You’ll show me your afro-centric clothing and your afro-centric hairstyle, and you’ll use all the afro-centric buzz words. You’ll even show me your NAACP membership card. I’ll have to argue that all of that is superficial. Self-love has nothing to do with your hairstyle, clothes, or any organization you belong to. It’s about what you truly believe about yourself and how your beliefs are expressed in your everyday life.


Self-hatred is not obvious. It’s very subtle, even subliminal. It shows in the little unconscious choices we make every day. For example, I notice that when I’m on the train brothers will give up a seat to a white girl, but get an attitude if an African-American girl even stands close to them. I’ve noticed how if a brother tries to be polite and says “Good morning” to a sister on the street, she’ll roll her eyes and suck her teeth, but let a white man say the same thing and she’ll just simply say “Good morning” in return. We treat others with more respect than we treat each other. NO OTHER NATION OF PEOPLE ON EARTH DOES THIS! THAT’S JUST HOW SICK WE ARE!

So I’m just going to say this once:

To Black Men:
PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW BLACK WOMEN ARE RUINING YOUR LIFE! BLACK WOMEN ARE NOT RUINING YOUR LIFE! YOUR OWN SELF-HATING, SHORTSIGHTED, GODLESS CHOICES ARE RUINING IT!


I’m sick of hearing about black women this, black women that. Yes there are black women that are evil, however, black women do not have the corner market on evil. Evil comes in all colors, genders, shapes and sizes. Other people have probably done a real number on you, too, including people of other ethnicities and races. In any case, stop focusing on negative things SOME black women have done to you. In some of those cases (notice I said some, not all) you probably had a hand in your own undoing. Lots of guys get involved with women they know are no good, but stick around for either sex, money, or some other benefit they think they’re going to get. Some dudes think they’re being a player and get burned in their own game. There are a lot of good black women out there, but you insist on having a “certain kind” of black woman. That same “certain kind” keeps burning you and then you want to blame ALL black women. Sorry, that’s just wrong. Period.


I even had one brother respond to one of my blogs by saying “black women have been trained to hate black men”. To this brother and all who think like him, I say “No, BLACK PEOPLE have been trained to hate other BLACK PEOPLE including their own selves. So to say black women have the hate thing down, but black men are exempt is ridiculous. Black men and women live in the same society, and are being fed the same propaganda, and have the same levels of self-hate.


Then you say you’re just going to date “other” girls from now on. So you admit that you are going to date other people for no other reason than race/ethnicity and exclude some women based on race/ethnicity. Why would any woman want to date someone who only cares about her race? Why would any woman want to date someone who is a self-hater? Unless she is also a self-hater, and in that case you will be equally matched and your life will be a living hell. Good luck with that bro.

To Black Women:
PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW BLACK MEN HAVE DONE YOU WRONG! YOU’RE THE ONE MAKING THE WRONG CHOICES!

I am also sick of hearing about black men this and black men that. Yes there are some real dogs out there, but not every black man is a dog! And speaking of dogs, they come in many different colors, shapes and sizes. Like I told the brothers, evil PEOPLE come in a variety of forms. Many people have probably treated you like dirt, but you reserve particular venom for the brothers. Sorry, but you can’t scapegoat an entire group of guys for things they didn’t do. A lot of sisters made their own bed hard. No one made you a baby momma. No one victimized you. Unless you were raped, you chose to be a victim. Many women will see that a man is clearly no good, but (just like their male counterparts) stay with the person anyway because of some benefit they think they’re getting (money, sex, security, status, etc). If you are not going to be genuine in relationships, then don’t expect the other person to be genuine with you. Don’t be shocked when you get burned, and don’t blame a whole group of men for the actions of a few.

Some of these silly women say things like “I like a thug. He can protect me”. Really? You like men who lie to you, curse you out, beat you up, steal your money for drugs, cheat on you in front of your face, and are cold hearted and ungrateful?  Even if he can protect you from other guys, WHO’S GOING TO PROTECT YOU FROM HIM? Anyway, if you want a thug and be burns you, don’t get on the internet and  start complaining about ALL black men. Black men did not burn you. A THUG burned you. There’s a difference.
And some of you African American ladies are going on websites, talking about how you’re looking for a white man! Please.  Ladies, I know a lot of you will hate me for saying this, but let’s be realistic. The majority of white men want nothing to do with a black woman unless it’s purely sexual. Sure there are a few black women who have white husbands, but they are the exception and not the norm. Don’t let the people in the minority fool you. The number of white men who marry African American women is infinitesimally small. And who can blame them? Maybe they’ve been to the websites I’ve been to and read all of those malicious postings against black men. Who wants a woman who hates herself? In fact, I went to one website where some African-American woman in an interracial marriage was just crowing over the fact that her baby “looked white.” It made me think “So if the kid had been a little darker, and looked like her it would have been disappointing?” I just feel bad for the kid. If he darkens up as he ages (as a lot of biracial kids tend to do), he’s going to be in for a real treat.

Finally another thing that both black women and men tend to do is make other people pay for their bad experiences with the opposite sex. If your uncle raped you, it doesn’t mean that every black man is going to be like your uncle. If your mother neglected you as a child, not every black woman is going to be like her. Let the Lord help you heal your personal scars, and leave the past in the past.


There is just too much hate in our world today. Everyone is always making excuses for hating someone else. There are people of different races hating on each other. There are people of different religions hating on each other. Then there are people of different political persuasions hating on each other. Finally, you have the gender battles like the current one between our men and women.  When you get down to the root of it, you find it’s nothing but scapegoat fever: we can’t deal with the disappointment in ourselves so we have to blame someone else for our own insecurities. It is a way that we can deceive ourselves into believing in our own self-righteousness. That way we don’t have to worry about taking an introspective look into our own character and relationship with God. This is my third blog on this topic and I hate to sound like a broken record, but no matter where I go, there is nothing but angry rants and diatribes and no common sense being injected into these debates. It’s like we can’t get past our emotions to see what’s really going on.
WE NEED TO CHANGE THE DYNAMICS OF THE CONVERSATION!


1. Get this into your head: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING BLACK. God made us this way and it doesn’t matter what people think. God wants us here and if HE didn’t, we wouldn’t be here.


2. Stop focusing on the negative elements in the community. We know there are evil black men and women. We know what they look like, where they hide and the trouble they cause. Let’s stop giving face time and attention to the negative ones. They don’t deserve it.


3. Focus on the positive in the community. Give shout outs to brothers and sisters who are holding it down and doing the right thing. Why can’t sisters make a “Good Brothers” website? Why can’t brothers make a “Slammin Sisters” page or blog? In fact, I’m going to take my own advice. In future, I will be blogging about positive people and developments. It is the positive that gives us hope and courage to change for the better. Not the negative.

4. When looking for a mate, whether you are male or female, you need to think about the positive character traits you want that person to possess. Instead of a list that includes good-looks, money, color traits, etc., you need to think about things like honesty, integrity, courage, humility, a loving spirit, and a connection with God: all of which will be found in a good person. Then you need to work on developing those characteristics in yourself because then you will attract that person into your life. Remember, like attracts like.

This is my last blog on hate. Next time, it’s all about love.

Peace,

LC